Systematic is kinda weird.

My nose is itchy.

I'd like to put pickles in my meatloaf.

That's right idiot... this is the one door... but you want the other... that's why we put signs...

That is the progress report on how things go.

Demoted to gross

Damn all the stupid people.   Can't they read signs???

We are not the training room... go away.

She pretends to be the girl you want her to be, but the truth always comes out. RUN

You can't hear me cuz I'm not saying anything.

He ordered a beer, just to be cool. It didn't work.

bring bring me back or something... ya know.... HELLO.... ya... something like that... why not? oh. call 3262. 
Uh huh... why not? easier to call... alright. 
Alright well this is it... it's alright... sap the money to ginger... what's that? 
Yes. Um... oh yea... is nine inches? it's easier to support. i'm only kidding. 
it's the judgement. 4 cds. Who is? it's the only fix. yep. yep. cya.

You see yourself as dark, evil, and blending.

You think of death as bright, annoying, and loud.

Rotting carcasses in the sun are always fun

Chitz is the pitz.

Colors blend too much sometimes.

%). That's what I thought. 50, only screwed up.  Can't you just page like everyone else???

And nobody wants jerks as friend... ask me... I should know!!! ahahahahahahahahahaaaa... isn't that ironic?

Cha laa... and stick a straw in it.

I'll pull it. I've always wanted to do that.

What the hell???!!!!

Damn! Here comes that bald guy!

Elephants are not made to hop up and down.

I would like to go home and sleep till I died.

My cat plays with everything.  My feet are toys.

Once there was a rock.  It just laid there. WOW

My hand has fingers attached to them.

Since I dislike them both fate makes me spend hours with them.

Chuckleman to the rescue of a really bad joke!!!

If I kicked your fender, it wouldn't break.

I guess you could call her a scrawny, flat-cheasted, nerdy, snobby, fuck-up.   I guess.

Stupid people arguing over email.  They don't realize that it's being sent to 'ALL'

I nearly hit a guy today with my car.  I laid on the horn, he did a funny dance and got outta my way.

The bird in the office is squawking her head off.  SHUT UP STUPID BIRD

What the hell is 'apple pie and motherhood' supposed to mean???

Don't be lookin at me with a fishy eye!

Liquid may migrate and if it does... heaven help us!

If I were her, I'd tell her to get her stupid dying ass out of the barn and
start acting like an adult instead of the spoiled brat she is currently acting like.

I'm not a bloody fool! Damn! No bloody fools here! Ya hear me sonny boy? NO BLOODY FOOLS HERE

I don't see the need for feet on the dashboard.

what's that? you want me to kick your ass with that boot? ok...

did i mention that your ass sticks like jello?

THAT'S IT... everyone dies.

No way, spank your OWN monkey

Balloons bad for environment!

No matter which way you look... they always get you from behind.

 Who slapped who?  Don't slap privates?  Shush up... got whacked on film.

Maboo is a stupid name

Is this the pantless version?

Who needs a blue screen in their living room?

Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts.

My planet has a first name, it's E A R T H.

You can SAY that there has to be some way, but there doesn't HAVE to be. Stop lying.

The power may be on, but that doesn't mean it's working.

You’ve got to tell me about your world. Something I don’t know.

I'm afraid to touch my own skin. Each scratch could bring death.

Fuck free will, I want to feel perfect.

So anyway, small pox came and killed them all.

If I were to play dead, I wouldn't do it in the middle of the road. That's just asking for trouble.

When people ask you where you're from it's hard to figure what to say - from Johnny Poptart

the insane domain - das geisteskranke Gebiet - the spirit-ill area

Come to our chess meeting some time.

We sit locked in this grumpy silence. It's my fault tonight. I am the bitch of the day.
I've said I'm sorry but it hasn't helped. Oh well, I did my obligation by saying I'm sorry. I'm through thinking about it. If he wants to sit here and not speak, that is fine with me. I have nothing to say. It's all been said before.

Sometimes you just have to itch it until it bleeds.
The pain is better then the itch.

I stare into the insane eyes of a dead man.

It's just a few more hours until you wake.

Coffee.
Article.
Pick up cat food.
Roommate interview at 2.

She's not here yet so there's plenty of time to find a good table.

If a cloud was the same as a fool, how would you feel about rain?

Poof, proof, or roof?

Nothing is more obvious than the open gate.

It seems normal when they tell you about it, but then a whole camera crew appears and suddenly it's not so fun anymore.

Matching socks up is boring and sucks up hours of your lifetime. It's easier to just buy twenty pairs of the same socks so they all match.

The fire looks warm but let me tell you, it's not.

Girls who won't shut the hell up are annoying.

Commercials about diapers shouldn't be allowed on the TV.

Why would anyone want a purse that looks like someones ass?

Umbrellas are creepy looking.

You can say that I was watching, but I actually wasn't.
Your telling me that I did won't make me watch either.
So don't even try it.

Why take off with a wick shaw when you didn't even say hello?

Wookies without pants? That can't be right.

Her name was April. Puffy hair-sprayed bangs hung above her eyebrows as she would roll her eyes at the teacher. She thought she was too smart for this class but she was wrong. When she flunked her exams, she flung herself from the roof of the school. She broke both her legs and cracked open her skull. What a stupid bitch.

Bugs like to touch themselves with their antennae while they watch you sleeping.

Horses sometimes dress up like humans and eat subs. They brag about it to their other horse friends when they get home.

There was a pair of pants, rotting away in a bag at the back of the locker. No one knew who owned it. It seemed to be a mystery to all but the one embarrassed boy in the class who had left it there. He didn't want to be called "moldy crotch" or "crotch mold", so he kept quiet. The pants were then thrown in the garbage.

Snow White was actually a controlling bitch who refused to let those dwarfs do what they truly wanted, to run around nude all day long.

If pretzels could just get their act together, they'd take over MustardLand. For those that don't like mustard but do like pretzels, that would suck a lot.

That's not a hat, that's a mess of garbage tied to your head.

Rainbows like to hide when the sun goes down at night.

It may be ok to sit on that chair, but who knows what sort of nasty thing was on it before? For all you know, it could have been a germ monster who has grown from the nasty germs of all the nastiest stuff ever who sat down on that chair before you. You really should just carry around a chair and never sit on anything but YOUR chair.

The moment has come to tell off the chick who keeps bobbing her head up and down as if she knows what we're talking about. She is a filthy liar. She hasn't a clue what is going on and we should throw candy at her until she gets one in the eye and it makes her cry.

Figure skaters should sing as they're skating around.

A brown fridge tipped over on its side makes for a good coffee table.

A future full of idiots.

Human ant farm; all put to work doing meaningless tasks to keep us busy.

Stop leaving your skin flakes in my pod. I had to get it sanitized just to get the bitch-stink off.

He would pick up the phone randomly and report into it, convinced that his phone was bugged and that aliens were taking notes. It was up to him to explain humanity to them and he wanted to do the job right. Each night he would take careful notes and then put them in the trash can out front for them to collect.

We all know about the missing sock phenomenon but what about all those lost sunglasses? There is SOMETHING going on there.

Annoying co-workers are still annoying even if they bring in muffins.

Linear engines are not the same thing as linear endings.

Sedona is just a large communications satellite for the sun.

Eh yea they say, but not today.

One day we'll all be living and sleeping in storage containers that get shuffled around.

Evidence of angelic sock monkeys?!?!

Why would one use burnt out light bulbs to decorate their house? I don't care if they're spray painted different colours, that's just strange.

Guests don't usually need a dresser.

Cops that sit at a table in a bar screaming accusations at everyone that walks by.
"Yea it was YOU wasn't it? You've got that look about you and I just bet it was. GET OVER HERE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

There were plans in his head for a spaceship. The aliens left them in there.

You can conserve energy by not talking so loud.

The spaceship crew consisted of a plant, a rather large goose, and a fridge. The map was lost while on their way to Mars and they don't want to stop to ask for directions. The goose is named Albert. The plant is named Rose but isn't a rose. There are leftovers in the fridge named Salad. They asked some spacebirds for help eventually but they were rude and would only flap their wings at them. They need to find somewhere to put their shoes for a while and give them a chance to update their journals. Albert wants to take photos and sight-see. Rose has straps around her pot to keep her from falling or floating away. They wigglecize to keep fit and race each other around the ship. Fuzzy slippers keep their feet warm and the floors clean.

Never trust a man with a beard.
A beard? Why not?
It's creepy.
Santa has a beard.
Santa is creepy.
You think Santa is creepy?
He sits kids on his lap, insists they be "good" and then leaves them gifts late at night. That's creepy.
I guess so. You honestly don't trust anyone with a beard?
There are some rare occasions where a nicely trimmed beard is acceptable and uncreepy on someone but that's quite rare.
You're messed up.
At least I don't have a beard.

Wooden ducks see ALL our faults. We must rebel and burn them where they live. Or better yet, we can stop producing them.

Characters need a setting.

Pigtails should NOT be worn in public by women over the age of 20.

You're chasing the dream that will never come true. It's a DREAM and dreams aren't REAL.

The world's biggest morons have managed to obtain internet accounts and post hourly about shit they know nothing about.

Every talk show host should be called Bob.

Who said short stories have to make sense? They just have to be stories that are short.

After sorting out the destruction, the traffic was down to one lane. It was a slow drive home made slower by the wailing of the passenger, a man rescued from the mess. It's not my fault he had no money for an ambulance or surgery, and I need a new liver. If he's not a match, then I'll grind him up, compost him and have him nurture my balcony herb garden.

Lightning looks like tree branches and veins.

"I communicate through my art." she says simply, as if that's all that needs to be said. The canvas hangs in front of us and I stare at it and try not to look unimpressed.
"Well?" She says as she pulls the cigarette from her sour little mouth. "How many do you want?"
It's canvas with paint, dirt and glue smeared on it. "I haven't seen enough yet. Are there others?"
"Yes." She sighs and then stomps further into the room. "Follow."
It's taking everything in me not to burst out into laughter. She's lucky I've got a sense of humour or she'd be on the ground sobbing from my telling just what I really think of her so called art. Five destroyed canvases later and the humour has passed.
"Well?" She half-whines at me.
"Well I have to go now."
"How many do you want?"
"None." I say and head for the door.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" She complains, following me. "You fucker, these will be worth millions one day!"
As I drive home, I give my friend a call and tell him that if he's going to fuck crazy artists, at least find one with some talent.

AGAIN. The word had been scrawled across his wall in what looked like blood. It wasn’t blood though, real blood did not stink like expired raspberry jam. This was not going to be a good day.

“Morning Ralph, how was your weekend?”
Jim is leaning into my office, smiling at me. “Alright. You?”
Each breath wasted on this meaningless conversation.
“Pretty good, got the shed installed.”
“Good job.” It takes everything in me not to scream. I don’t care about his shed.
“Well, see you later then.”
I nod. This small talk is killing us all.
My life has been CC’d to death.

I hate all my friends. This became apparent to me as John was flipping through his holiday photos. We were on what seemed like the millionth photo when I really began to feel abused. I didn’t want to look at his bullshit photos and pretend I gave a flying fuck about him and his so called vacation in Florida. Each photo made me hate him more, and as he described the exact scene in the photo to me each time, all I could think of was how much I wanted to shove the photos down his throat and watch him choke on his own memories. Not just him even, everyone. I’m fed up of everyone I know and I’m especially fed up with my friends. In fact, I hate my friends most of all. Is it me? Am I the bad person for all this? All these pretend friends around me are focused on themselves. They should be focused on me at least part of the time. I pretend to give a shit about their stupid lives; can’t they at least do the same for me? When it’s my turn to smile and nod, I do it. Do they? No. They stare blankly at me. It’s not that difficult to simply pretend. You bastards, I hate you all.

“Oh darling, you knew this would never last.”
How cruel to hear these words out loud, to have to face the truth.
“You’re mad if you thought any differently.”
Smoke in the air between us, hovering above the table where we sat.
A sigh escapes me, shifting the smoke back into his face. “Don’t call me darling.”
It’s been a long day here in hell and a lifetime of vacation is only moments away.

If there are things going faster than the speed of light, we can't see them.

Beer is for those who leer,
They stumble and smear,
No matter straight or queer,
Makes you run over some deer,
The meaning isn't quite clear,
So they end must be near,
Go cry in the dark with fear,
It's okay you poor dear.

He hit the neighbours dog by accident while backing up but no one saw him do it. So he dumped the body at the side of the road a few streets over. The neighbours eventually found the dog and were sad. He tried not to think about it whenever he saw their little boy. He's more careful when he backs up now; it'd be harder to get away with dumping the boy's body.

I refer you to online sources, which can be changed at any time.

The few can't control the many when the many aren't stupid.

Is computer use changing the way we think?

Monkey recovery program. SIGN UP HERE.

There should be a type of moss in a can that you can spray on graffitied rock which, after being on for a year or two, can be scraped off and all the graffiti is eaten away.

You don't have to be a happy winner, it just usually happens that way.