go to a party. locate someone who looks like or is a little wuss.
Get some chip dip and begin to coat their legs with it.
Demand they stand there until you're done.

maybe they should have bags of flavored fingernails for those who like to eat them.

they should have a reality show where the people on the island have to 
eat each other for food and the last one alive wins.

Tape record all your thoughts so when you lose your mind... you just press play.

The water that comes out of those jets in the supermarket above the veggies doesn't taste very good at all.

people kissing makes me want to puke all over them

when spanking someone's ass with a tennis racket, 
make sure the you aim properly and hold the small end of the racket.

time moves at an erratic pace for insane people.

parents don't know everything... their lies just sound probable until you're old enough to find the truth yourself.

if i went to a place where tourists weren't allowed to speak or write,
 it would be hard for me to watch people spell my name wrong.

a megaton isn't as much as it once seemed.

so a good way to get rid of a body is to consume all the flesh etc,
and then grind up the bones and drink the powder?

let's be honest... who HASN'T dreamed of living in the bowels of a fish?

if whiplash was money, people would enjoy car accidents a bit more.

Bloody stools aren't quite so funny when they happen to you.

Sometimes when people die, they aren't really dead, but just pretending to be dead so
at the wake they can jump up and scare everyone they know.

You don't get wrong numbers... it's the right number... just not the right person.

 Collecting plastic bags isn't a difficult hobby to maintain.

Free blubber for all isn't a great company slogan.

Flying worms would have trouble navigating...
and can you imagine one of them landing on you?

Birds only fly because we can't.

All those commercials on TV say "For only the price of one coffee per day, you can sponsor a child."
  I say "Fuck that! I want my damn coffee!"
(brought to you by justin the horny penguin)

If I had horses, I'd be selling them instead of holding them.

 Alien babies in jars aren't always the best presents for old grandmas with heart problems.

A cat's ass isn't the best place to hide your candy

Licking groins isn't the best way to make a living.

I'd like to know why we still don't have 13s on our elevator buttons when it is an old xian belief...
haven't we progressed enough to get the 13 back???
How do we explain to our children that 13 comes after 12 everywhere but in an elevator?  

If you want to use a hammer to put in a screw, it'll do the job but not that well.

A used tampon is no substitute for quality nonsense.

Is anyone really doing what they should be?

Imagine if you could take a good hard look at your own asshole???

 Wouldn't a spice world stink like hell???

 Sometimes I find chocolate in the toilets.

Sometimes I wonder about the sky and how it knows how to stay up there.

If piss were a drug, I'd be pissing drugs.

If I were you, then you'd be me, but to me you would be you and I would be me.

I could save myself a lot of money if I just learnt how to lick my own ass.

If you put it in the Out box when it should be going IN, then the OUT leaves and the IN goes OUT.
Then, the IN item that when OUT comes back IN and then goes OUT.

I have a dog. He eats fried eggs. He likes fried eggs because they aren't scrambled.

Damn! I'd like some geese. Just so I could say... "hey! let's go hang at my place! i've got geese!"