I've decided that buying a monkey will do me no good. No good at all. 
Unless he can do my work for me and use his tail to use the mouse. But other then that, no good.

Revenge is fun. But anyways, I'd like to know when I get money. I would like to get a trunk warmer for my elephant. 
Sure, I may not have one, but if I have a trunk warmer, I could get an elephant. 
Maybe a sleeping bag would work. Not sure, don't have an elephant to try it one. 
What comes first ... the elephant or the trunk warmer???

I would have my dog tell people off... but I don't have one.

Living in a garbage can would get kinda cramped.

If I was sedated and living in an asylum, life would be more slow and peaceful

My head would freeze if I dipped it in ice water and then stuffed it in a freezer.

Awkward positions make things weird.

Disturbing noises upset my socks.

I'd like to notify everyone in advance that I have no idea what I'm going to do.

So we're afraid of aliens... but wouldn't they also be afraid because we are aliens to them?

We thought it was funny to leave a message.
So we recorded it and then put it on high-speed dubbing so he couldn't recognize our voices.
It was hilarious.  It was so funny we pissed our pants. Then we phoned again and for some reason,
the machine rewound and played all the messages back. There was one from a woman named Helga.
That was funny too... and made us take another trip down the hall to the bathroom.  I still have that tape.

Bribing people doesn't always work.

Knights are weird looking guys.  That would suck to carry all that crap around.

When one complains of others being late, shouldn't  they be on time?

I wouldn't like a bear in my house.  Bears are too big.

It was in your head then and I didn't hear about it.

When you eat too much pineapple pieces, your mouth goes all tingly.

My bladder felt so full, I was sure it would explode.   And it did explode.  
And my guts when flying all over the room. It was one hell of a mess.

I guess money does grow on trees. Sorry about all that.

it sucks cuz he thinks that he is really cool and so damn smarter than me. 
"Oh but I am, I'm so fine" the arrogant freak spews forth at me with a stupid grin on his face.
I'll show him though...

Being hardcore means that you have spikes instead of grass on your lawn, 
and you beat the shit out of the kid next door to make him shine them every day. 

If someone was able to shit out ski equipment from their ass,
it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us who have to pay lots of money for ski equipment.

Life would not be quite the same if my ear was glued to my shoulder.
I wouldn't be able to check my blind spot while driving...that could be dangerous.

Have you ever tried to wrestle an elephant? Let me tell you, it ain't easy.

Did you know that a ton of bricks is heavier than a ton of feathers?
No? Well, it isn't, but it takes up less room.

Sometimes when the paint looks shiny, it's not. It is just wet.

Sometimes I dream I am awake. Then I wake up and think I'm in a dream. Today I came to work naked.
I didn't wake up for quite sometime. What a bad dream that was.

Sometimes you just gotta breathe.

Balloon animals hate me.  They ran away from me, even the old and blind ones.  One even deflated itself.
It made that squeaking as it deflated, and now there is a small pile of rubber on the floor.
I don't know why they hate me. I try to love them... 

Raccoons ate our tree. The tree is dead now. We have to get rid of the tree. 
The raccoons don't want it anymore. Now we have skunks. 
They are killing the grass. Animals suck.

Why lick the pavement when there's roadkill near by?  
No idea sonny boy, that just the way folks are these days.  
It's sad really. Wasn't like that in my day.

How do people function with geese on their heads?

Who would throw out a perfectly good toothbrush?

Damn shampoo commercials, hair isn't that fun

No one wants to be a slave.  But if you do, please email me, because I'm looking for a few good slaves.

Nobody really hangs out in the kitchen, well, just guys do. That way they are closer to the beer in the fridge.

Talk shows are getting worse.  They don't even stop the beep anymore.  It's all just one long beep.

I felt bad cuz he had a pole for a leg.  A big wooden pole.  I guess I shouldn't have drawn the stick man like that.

Monkeys are very interesting cuz they have weird tails.  I wonder what I'd do with a tail.
I guess I could use it instead of hurting my wrists on the mouse.
I wonder if I'd get carpal-tail and have to wear a brace on it.  That would suck.

Out-breaks of biker gangs.  Those damn kids on bikes taking over the whole sidewalk or the road. 

Those voice mail recordings talk down to me and I don't like it one bit.