JCP interview.
By Gibbo - Dec 31 2003

1) Is black a colour, or merely the lack of colour?
In my world it counts as a color, because all the other colors suck. I mean, what is with PINK? It's a horrid color and shouldn't be seen. In fact, it's making me feel sick right now.

2) If my pinkie toenails tasted of jam, would they be more appealing to turtles?

If they are the Jam Turtles of the Grand High Mountains then yes. If not, then no, it will provoke them into a full fledged attack on your nose.

3) What do you reckon is the meaning of life?
There have been books telling me it's 42 but the reality of it all is that the meaning of life is nothing. It all comes down to nothing. Either you do something cool with it or you don't. Then you die, and you're dead for so much longer then you existed so it all amounts to nothing.

4) The cats are taking over. Would Manx cats be ranked higher or lower in the cat army?
Higher. Higher then what I can't tell you as you're not cleared for that kind of information.

5) True or false?
False.

6) If you could replace any word in the English language with any other just to confuse everyone for a day, what would it be and what would you replace it with?
The word THE. I'd replace it with WITH.

7) Have you ever ran over a mailbox and got away with it?
No actually. I have run over a racoon and got away with it though. So did it.

8) If misanthropy was a subject, would you study it?
I would put more thought into this question if I wasn't so hungry. There is pizza in the fridge and I'm considering eating it during this answer so I can get to the other questions and give them real answers.

9) Why build roller coasters when we could just build train tracks really close to the edge of a mountain and charge extra for the thrill factor, then send the proceeds to carnies?
I don't want crappy trains ruining mountians! Keep the screaming brats in those death-trap amusement parks where they belong.

10) A Russian midget stands about three feet in front of you. He has a knife and knows his shit. Your possible weapons include a piece of string, some blu-tac, a papier-mâché foghorn and a cistern ball filled with empty Malteser bags. How do you defeat him?
I use the cheat code I found on the internet and whip out my Sword Of Death. I then activate Godmode, and proceed to hack open his tiny skull with my Sword Of Death. When finished, I take his knife as my own. I also collect 2000 points, allowing me to kill someone new.

11) Are AOL CD's the best coasters ever or what?
It seemed like that at first but then people became confused and began to use them as ashtrays. I should sue AOL over the mess it made.

12) Do you know what an oxymoron is? Do you have any good ones to share?
Yes I do, and no, they're all mine. If you try to break in and steal them, I will have to hurt you. I know it sounds like fun, but it won't be. Well, ok it will be fun for me. Unless you're a sick fuck who likes that sort of hurt, in which case I would have to rent a helicopter and finish you off from the air.

14) Why is there no button for the thirteenth floor in elevators?
There is, it's labelled 14. <Looks at the number for this question.> It's amazing how many people don't even notice this stuff.

15) You! Yes, you in the dark blue t-shirt… I can see you. Would you believe me if I told you I was in your house?
Well it's a gray sweater actually. Other then that, there's only one way to be in my house and to see me. If that's how you did it, then I'm rubbing your ass in between answering these questions and you're on my desk purring.

16) Is CRS (chronic rhyming syndrome) a real condition? Dr. Seuss had it, apparently.
He had it yes, but let's face it, he liked having it. It's like those guys in porn movies with massive dicks. They all have something that makes them abnormal, but they've turned it into something positive like a full time job. So many people would just give up and rot with those sorts of abnormalities;You've got to give credit to those who rise above and really ENJOY it.

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