Gibbo interview.
By JCP via email Dec 31, 2003.

1. What's up with the salad?
It just sits there in the corner, as you can see. It's quite simple- the salad was pissing me off and that was that. I told the waiter I didn't like salad but he gave it to me anyway, so it can blame him for the pain and suffering salads have to deal with all the time.

2. If we gave a moron a chance, what would he/she do with it?
Seeing he/she was a moron, he/she would most likely throw it away like everything else in life. However, he/she might use this chance to steal a forklift truck and take it down to the toy store to assassinate Action Man™

3. There's a growing concern that applesauce will take over the planet. What are your views on this?
Quite frankly, I'm more worried about the cats taking over. I like cats, however, so I could be their ally. I couldn't be the applesauce's ally seeing I like it in an eating-the-bastard sort of way. Come to think of it, the applesauce would be more threatening to me than a cat. Thanks for opening a window there, guys. Anyway, the cats and I could eat all the applesauce in a celebratory feast for enslaving the rest of humanity, so after further contemplation, I'm not the slightest bit worried.

4. There is no question four.
Are you sure about that? I'm sure there is a question four; it's probably just lost. Usually when I lose something it turns up under the bed, or someone else's house.

5. If we gave you a nickel, would you streak through a parking lot of our choice?
I live in Northern Ireland, so a nickel would be of little use to me. Although streaking through a parking lot of your choice would mean I get a free trip to Canada, so I could buy return tickets with my hard-earned nickel. Sure, why not?

6. Do you have any LEGO that you could give to us?
It depends… If you want Lego men so you can clone them and start a resistance movement, sure, so long as I won't be harmed. However, if the term 'you could give to us' actually means 'we want to confiscate it to shut down your Lego porn business, but want you to think you're being friendly and helpful so you don't notice what we're doing' then you can sit on your bedpost. Hmm… there's an idea! Where'd I put the Lego men?

7. What was the last meal you ate?
I had a Crunchie this morning. It was tasty. Yes, tasty and moist. And crunchy, hence the name. I mean, if it had a name which suggested it was crunchy and it wasn't, it piss a lot of people off.

8. Some guy comes up to you and says "I hate the Simpsons cartoon." How do you respond?
I'd say, "Why do I care? Go tell someone who gives a shit… or maybe you have no friends whose opinions actually matter. Like you. You don't matter. Your parents hate you and always have. You've always been a fuck-up, and you'll never change. The only reason you hate the Simpsons is because in your heart you know even Homer is more successful than you'll ever be; you don't even have a TV because you're fucked up." Sorry about the swearing there, but people just piss me off to the point where I just have to. Knowing my luck, that guy was probably a millionaire whose next words, if I listened instead of ranting, were to do with me fucking his daughter. You know, because he was drunk and suggestible. The voices in his head would tell him to let me fuck his daughter, so I wouldn't need to hint or anything. The Simpsons kick ass, by the way.

9. Purple hair dye or silver wig?
The silver wig would be more convenient, as it could be put on or removed whenever you feel compelled to do so. Purple hair dye would take longer and would take ages to disappear, although this may be more subtle than silver, attracting less attention. Also, seeing as it's your real hair, it looks better. So I'd say purple hair dye.

10. Are you happy there is a question ten even though there is no question four?
Well, the idea was to have ten questions in total. Here, you have just changed the number of the not-question, rendering my request obsolete, as there are still only nine questions. Mind you, this means I have less typing to do, and even less thinking. You're so considerate. I love you guys. Can I touch your tail now?