part five: mirrors

There is no one else like me. I'm different then everyone, just enough to be somewhat normal but not really normal at all. I turned 25 more or less alone.
I don't care.
I care.

Another year; another age. I didn't want some party or anything. Once I had friends that weren't my friends. We celebrated and it felt like I had friends. pretending they were real was ok for awhile but then it got to be too much work. They weren't my friends. So now I'm more or less alone.
I don't care.
I care.
Isolated.

Vroom. Say it. Vroom.
Are you avoiding the question?
Damn straight.

The Temptation speaks to me. Since I can't see a face, it's not that tempting. Maybe not a Temptation but a friend. What? I never said that and you can't prove a thing. There is temptation in everything.

Call me Mindy. Now that Harold has left, there is room in my life for Mindy. A brand new blue bankbook seals the deal. The fun we'll have she tells me. She doesn't sound like Harold at all. She sounds like the idiot girl who gave us the lovely blue bankbook, only smart.

The bookstore had been a complete bust. Not only did they not have books, they claimed that I had entered their private household. After being manhandled, I had enough and broke free. Throwing pennies at them, I ran out of there as quick as I could and spent the rest of the afternoon pretending to be part of the park bench. That would show those bookstore bastards.

You've got to keep your shoes and wits about you. Who knows what you'll encounter?
Most definitely shoes are needed.

Things fall and one has to demand out loud that anyone there should reveal themselves. If done properly, then no heart attacks will ensue. The problem is denial. Most rational people look for a rational explanation and don't accept outside events. They just don't have the imagination to handle reality.

I stare into the mirror. I know if I can just figure it out that I can step through it to that place that looks like this one. I tried for hours once. All I was rewarded with was having it drop off the wall late at night and shattering. I screamed, and then laughed.
Fine, I didn't want to see that world anyways.
So I'll be content with lying on my back and pretending we live upside down.

So the orchard is still there.
Sure, it may have been folded away, but I know it's still there.
I used to do a lot of weird things, I say to myself.
I'm not listening though.
I remember things but aren't sure if I dreamt them or not.
I suppose I'll get there eventually if I just find the door through the mirror.
Again? I'm not sure.
I've always known about it, but not really.

I wrote and then the words disappeared.
Are you sure?
Yes. How did I send that twice? I didn't delete it.
I'm not sure what to say.
Yea well I'm not sure anymore about any of this. I hate when that shit happens.
Perhaps you were mistaken?
I know it was there, yet it somehow wasn't. Leave me alone.

So I sit at home alone on the couch. I sit and wait. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for anymore but one day it will save me.
I will be free of all this and then I don't have to play pretend at work anymore. Then I won't have to speak to people on the phone who have spaghetti in their mouths. It's so hard to talk to them when they do that.

It's like everyone who knows me gets together to ensure that my week will be shitty. They each figure out what they can do to make it suck for me, and then plot out just how shitty each day will become. One person hides my things, another demands them immediately, yet another phones and hangs up repeatedly, and a few others make random noises when I'm not looking. If I don't play the game and confront them, they make the game go on longer. If play the game, then life does indeed suck. I'm screwed either way, so what the hell?

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