Nurse on acid.
By DC & JCP
(for those that live elsewhere... hospitals in canada outfit their staff in bright colored uniforms...)

So I went to the hospital to find a nurse on acid. I thought for sure she would be easy to spot, since she was supposed to be wearing a bright blue outfit, and of course be on acid. I entered the hospital, the sliding doors snapping open, letting me wander in. I didn't see any bouncers around, so I figured that maybe the hospital just let people in for free on Tuesday nights. There was a lady sitting there in a wheelchair.

"Are you the nurse on acid I'm looking for?" I demanded. This wouldn't have been the first time someone dressed up to try to fool me. The lady just stared at me. So I pushed her out the door and into the road. That would show the bitch for trying to fuck with my head. I headed back into the hospital and found a room with lots of chairs. A guy in a bright purple outfit came out and gave me some forms to fill out.

If they thought it was going to be that easy to find out who I am, they are sadly mistaken. I've been doing this for years sweetheart, and your little forms don't scare me.

I filled out pretend information, relying on my old friend "Jasper Cronkit" to confuse and amuse the hospital staff. I got up, leaving the forms on the chair. I headed towards the door that all the brightly colored people seemed to be going in and out of. A few steps in, I saw a white jacket hanging on the front of a door. It looked to be my size so I grabbed it and put it on. You never know when a white jacket might come in handy.

"Hey! That's not yours!"
I turned around, and came face to face with what appeared to be a man. I wasn't quite sure, as he was fanatically ugly. He was probably a patient here, as he was naked from the waist down. Either that or the rules concerning doctor attire had been drastically reduced. So I leaned down, peering into his ugly troll-face and said softly, "If you don't get your naked ass into your room now I will personally poison every jello cube you ever get while here."
The ugly man-beast looked confused, then shuffled off. He probably remembered a bridge he had to go live under anyway. Either way he was not the nurse on acid.

I continued walking down the hall, nodding at everyone I saw. So far so good I figured. A girl in blue was at the end of the hall. That could be her! I started jogging down the hall towards her. She saw me and started running the other way. She threw trays and sick people in my path, slowing me down immensely. Suddenly I realized that I was surrounded by people in wheelchairs, and maybe I could catch her in one of those! I yanked the nearest person out of their wheelchair, the man yelling and calling me a "damned thief". I shoved his gown into his mouth and took off after the nurse.

She had disappeared down the hall, and now I was sitting alone in a corridor. There was an elevator at the end of the hall so I quickly wheeled down there and pressed the button. The elevator was at 4, so I thought that maybe that's where she was hiding. The elevator eventually came down to my floor and I got on.

There was a bed in there. A large one on wheels. Oh, and a body! Oh wait, it's alive, so a person. I pressed 4 and the doors closed. I looked over at the person on the bed. They looked at me. The old woman pointed at me.
"This is your fault you ungrateful brat." She said.
I laughed. "Yea, but you have no proof!" She shook her fist at me as I got off the elevator. I waved goodbye.

I started wheeling down the corridor. Floor 4 had lots of strange artwork on the wall, and a corner had a bunch of puzzle pieces swept into it. I'll bet it was the nurse on acid who did that, her feeble attempt to confuse me into forgetting about her. "Not today sweetheart, not today." I said.

I wheeled past a few empty rooms. They were filled with tables and chairs, and what appeared to be balloons. I figured this was used for therapy, so wheeled on. Who am I to stand in the way of progress?

A young girl came out of a room and stood in the middle of the hall.
"You have wheels up your ass." She said.
"Yes I've noticed. Are you jealous?"
"Yes. Yes I am actually."
"Would you like wheels up your ass instead?"
"Yes. Yes I would."
So I got up and gave it to her. She seemed amazed, then sped off into a wall. She laughed and I laughed. Then the moment was over so I pushed her out of my wheelchair and took off in it again.

"All this for that damned nurse." I thought to myself. It's not like she didn't know I was here, as she had clearly seen me. Damned nurses are like that, especially those on acid. I would never let those bright outfits fool me again.

I find myself in an empty corridor. I wheel down it kinda slow, knowing that if this were a movie, the evil thing stalking me would choose to jump out at me at this point. I'll have to make a list of people to play me. Can't have just any flavor of the month actor playing me. I demand quality acting.

I climb out of the wheelchair, as I notice that it stinks of urine. I don't feel any wetness on myself though, so maybe I've learnt to piss through clothing without getting it wet.

I'm screaming. I'm screaming. Oh no wait, that's my 'inside' voice. My inside voice is right though, my larynx is the key. That will get her. Do I have one? I don't think so. I begin to moan about missing my larynx. I wander down the hall, moaning loudly.

"Shut up!" came a voice from room 4-3. I went in to silence them forever, and came face to face with some old man's ass. Startled by this turn of events, I slapped the ass as hard as I could and ran. Luckily the elevator was right there, so I jumped in and started pressing buttons.

I check my hand for signs of disease from the old man ass. It seems a bit pink, but other then that ok. I sniff it to make sure. The doors open and a little girl steps into the elevator. She is standing directly in front of me, staring. The door closes again behind her.

She is still staring at me.
I can't look away or all is lost.
Neither of us blink.
The elevator dings.
We still stare.
The elevator doors open and the girl steps backwards off the elevator.
She still stares, unblinking.
The elevator door closes.
I can finally blink.

Stepping out of the elevator and vowing to never speak of such things as little girls in elevators again, I spot a sign that says INFORMATION. I know that I for one would like some information. I stride up to the guy there and demand some information. He smiles at me and I think briefly of origami. It creeps me out, so I decide to use a decoy question.
"Where are the bathrooms?"
"Down that hall and to the left."
I mutter "I'll bet." As I flee his crisp evil grin. Something was very wrong. Mr. Origami face does NOT fit the pattern. It's best not to think about it too much, as they will know I'm thinking of such things and hunt me down. I will have to find my own information. That sign was an outrageous lie. I can't believe I fell for it.

I walk past the bathrooms, knowing the abyss of evil that awaits me there. It will have to wake up pretty early in the AM to outwit me. I grabbed the nearest person to me, which happened to be a four year old girl. I shoved her into the bathroom, knowing that the abyss of evil would think she was me and swallow her whole. I giggle and run away before the brat can let out a scream. Once I'm around the corner and halfway down that hall, things begin to feel normal again.

Why am I here? Oh, that's right, the nurse on acid. It must be the death air they are pumping into this place that is causing my confusion.
Is someone paging me?
No, I'm hearing things.

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