What sucks about valentine's day (aka Mushday)
By JCP & McDiablo
That's right, mush day. It's mushy and you all know it.

People who don't realize that St. Valentine was actually executed for illegally marrying couples. That's right, executed. He didn't buy shit for anyone, he married them--and then he got his head lopped off. And this is how we choose to remember him...poor guy.

Companies that take all the toys that didn't sell from xmas, slap red bows on them and suddenly they're for valentine's day.

Stuffed animals with heart print boxer shorts that emit stupid songs.

People you work with that make a big stupid deal out of the whole thing, turning the whole day into a non-stop parade of stupid gifts, squealing and having them shove the gifts in your face.

Being treated like you're a cheap bastard when you don't get your partner something, even though they didn't want a damned thing.

If you don't care about it, other people think you're crazy, lying or think you're just saying that because you didn't get anything.

Getting all excited about the day, only to be let down and you end up feeling horrible and lame for ever caring.

Going crazy and pelting someone with gifts to the point that they call the cops and get a restraining order against you.

Not so secret admirers that you wish didn't like you at all.

Cheery people who make it their mission to spread the love that day, when really, like all other days, you want to be left the hell alone.

Cookies shaped like hearts with pink frosting.

Being broken up with just before valentine's day JUST so they don't have to go through it with you.

Large bouquets of flowers that stink up the room.

Candy hearts left-over from last year. They're now so stale they break your teeth or taste like cardboard.

Doing something uncharacteristicly sweet for someone and having them toss it in your face like you were ONLY doing it because of some lame day.

Being a die-hard romantic who LOVES all this valentine's day stuff, but having to hide it because everyone else around you thinks it's horribly lame.

Knowing your partner wants and likes to be spoiled on this day but you feel really stupid about it so you stress out all day wondering if they're happy, like what you've done and all that crap.

Having your grandma be the only one that sends you a valentine, EVER.Being in school and having to make lame little boxes to put valentine's in.

Having to give valentine's to everyone in your class just so no one kicks your ass.

Rows of stupid valentine's days bullshit in stores. The day after, it's all packed up again for next valentine's day.

Not being able to claim you didn't know it was valentine's day because everyone keeps mentioning it.

Being a delivery person on valentine's day and having to drag some really stupid stuffed animal into a workplace, having everyone stare at you and give you those stupid little "awww" smiles or the "you poor sucker" looks.

Finding out how expensive roses really are.

Deluded people that somehow think that Valentine's day makes them attractive or desirable in any way, giving them the false hope that they might just have sex with something. Getting chocolates when you can't stand them, but don't want to hurt your partners feelings even though they should know you better.You can't leave your house without being bombarded by the colour red (and not in a good, TID way). If you're allergic to chocolate or flowers, you're pretty much screwed in the gift department if your partner forgets this.valentine's that say, "Love Your Secret Admirer." Argh, just reveal yourself, dork.

Card companies that try to cater to people who despise V-day by coming out with Anti-valentine's Day cards.

You can't go out for dinner because everything is reserved. In bookstores, sex books that are hidden 364 days out of the year are suddenly brought out and put on display at the front entrance.

People who whine about being alone on Feb. 14.

People who whine about what to buy their significant other on Feb. 14.

Valentine's day countdowns.

Commercials for jewelry and other typical crap that men are apparently supposed to get for women. Not everyone likes that crap and if you know your woman well, you should know what she'd actually like and not just some "for any woman" gift.

Not knowing if the person you're with is into this shit or not and having to figure out a way to find out without upsetting them.

Cheap chocolates that taste like plastic.

Wearing fancy red underwear all day to help make you feel special but you're the only one who sees them and when you take them off at the end of the day, you feel sad and alone.

People who put up lame cardboard heart decorations for it, but have NO children in the house or anyone else to blame it on.

People who go on about how they're gonna "get some" that night because they spent a really stupid amount on gifts.

People who only put out because they got expensive gifts. (That's called being a WHORE.)

People who only go out with someone because they know valentine's day is coming up and they want gifts.

People who get married on Valentine's day so they get extra-mushy over the whole thing.

Cinnamon hearts that are SO strong they take off the top layers of your tongue and mouth.

Cinnamon hearts that are so lame that you can't even taste them.

Marshmallow hearts.


People who say V-day.

Chicks who demand to be spoiled that day, yet get nothing for the poor sap of a guy.

People who phone up their friends to brag about the gifts they got.

Sitting at home feeling alone because some bullshit commercial holiday somehow has you questioning your life.

People who pretend to hate Valentine's day, make fun of those who do, refuse to participate in any way but then cry themselves to sleep wondering why no one did anything for them.

People who pretend it's ok if they don't get anything, but once the day is over, are pissy and upset because somehow they expected you to know they were full of shit and you WERE supposed to get them something but now it's too late and you end up fighting all night or sleeping alone on the couch.

People who send out mass emails filled with stupid clipart of hearts and cupids.

Buying something, or arranging some big event for someone only to have them break up with you the day before or during the event.

Having someone buy you something insanely expensive (or they do something insane like serenading you) in an attempt to "win your heart" but really it just creeps you the hell out. If you try to tell them no, they'll be heartbroken and might try to harm you, but if you don't say anything then you're leading them on. You REALLY suck if you enjoy taking advantage of this poor sap of a person.

Going out for dinner with a friend only to be treated like you're a couple and if you deny it, people look disappointed or throw food at you.

People who make everything they eat into heart shapes. (Sandwiches cut into hearts, cookie hearts, heart pancakes etc)

Valentine's day dinner specials for two.

People who go around trying to sell flowers to people in the street, trying to make people feel pressured into buying one for whomever they're with.

Being given a rose and having to walk around holding the damned thing until you get home.

Having rose thorns jab into your flesh.

People who can't figure out how to use condoms if they do have sex on Valentine's day.

Valentine cards that think they're being clever by using stupid phrases like "I love you beary much" or "I cho-cho-choose you.".

Waiting all day for Johnny Depp to show up and sweep you off your feet but he never shows up and you're forced to admit that you're totally insane and should probably just get a pet to love.

People who dress up their pets for Valentine's day and set them up on "dates".


Red sequins.

Having someone cheat on you that day and somehow expect you to be less angry because it was Valentine's day and they felt lonely, so they gave in.

People who are just looking for an excuse to break up and use this day to provoke it somehow.

Having someone force themself in on your plans.

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