Babies & Toddlers Suck
By JCP & Mzebonga
What sucks about having or dealing with those little so-called humans, as well as the parents.
For the purposes of this list, we classify babies and toddlers as children up to the age of 5.

You can't have any sort of a decent conversation. It's just whining, crying and drooling until the get old enough to say NO and WHY?

If you don't watch them carefully, they jam stupid stuff into their faces or worse, into their mouths. Now you not only have to watch a child all the time, but somehow keep it insanely clean so they eat strange things.

Everyone thinks their baby is the cutest thing ever. They're not. They all look the same; a crying ball of flesh in a diaper.

You can always tell where there is one because it smells like shit. Diapers seem to be hidden or not so hidden and just make the place stink no matter how much spray they coat their homes with.

People feel the need to dress their kids in really girly or boyish outfits. They're babies and it doesn't matter what sex they look like. If you happen to the be one that asks what it is or refer to it wrongly as a girl/boy, then the parent gets all upset. Get over it, babies look like babies.

Babytalk gets really annoying really quick.

They sleep whenever they want and never when you want them to.

People are so afraid you'll hold the baby wrong yet leave it alone for hours with some teen that they're paying maybe $5 bucks an hour.

Diapers. They stink and they rot for years in landfills. It seems that babies go through about 100 a day. Even if you use the cloth diapers, you're left with a lot of baby shit to deal with.

Everyone thinks you're supposed to like them and want to hold onto them, especially if you're female. Not everyone likes babies and wants them near so don't assume that you stupid parents.

The sound of them crying is the most grating sound on the planet, more annoying than nails on a chalkboard.

You tell them to do something and they stare at you blankly or worse yet, make some sort of noise that you can't figure out.

When they're awake, it's all about THEM and it's non-stop noise. When they sleep, suddenly you're alone, bored and trying to keep quiet but you can't do anything really fun in case they wake up.

Smiling at them nicely makes your face hurt.

You secretly wish you could leash them up like they are dogs, just so you could sit down for ONE minute.

Toys that make noise and your kid likes that toy most of all. Worse yet is when these toys don't take batteries, so you can't even MAKE them stop without smashing them to bits.

People who have several of them and then look to you for sympathy. You are the idiot who had so many, not me.

Songs that get sung over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.


Sleeping hours and schedules that are designed by the child to make you totally insane.

Twins and other multiple births.

People who use drugs knowing full well they'll end up with a stupid amount of kids all at once because they're too selfish to adopt children who need loving homes.

Movies with talking animals in them.

Having them grow so quickly that they don't fit into any clothes they're being given by your friends and family.

Having them pull on your hair or scratch your face.


Picking them up and having their diaper explode all over you.

People who get all bitchy when they never see the outfit THEY bought your child being worn.

Having them yell at you over and over when you're talking to someone else.

Having to stop what you're doing because they're awake and screaming in their bedroom.

Not being able to get them to sleep when visiting someone else's place.

Telling someone you have a "good" baby but as you say that, it begins to act up and cry.

People who make their toddler ask you for something so you can't say no.

Toys/things that you don't realize are sticky until you pick them up.

Having your house taken over by toys, plastic and safety devices.

The pout face that makes you do anything they demand.

One minute they understand english and the word "no" but they next they've totally forgotten.

Their fingernails grow like mad and are used to scratch at you.

When they get sick, you feel bad and concerned but they look at you as if it's your fault.

They seem to pick up the few words you don't want them to when learning to speak.


Not being allowed to put them to sleep by giving them a spoon full of NyQuil for every nap and bed-time.

The endless amount of energy they have, even when completely tired, to fight with you against taking their nap.

The stupid things they like and you have indulge them in.


Having a child latch onto your breast and suck.

Their urge to be nude, a LOT, in public.

Public breast-feeding or those who think it's ok to just do it anywhere they want because it's "natural". We don't piss out in the open, can't you find a private area to go do that?

When they're too young to understand that touching themselves while nude in front of others (or digging into their diaper for it) isn't polite.

When they refuse to do something and put on a big production of it.

Somehow they find that dirt tastes good but their food doesn't.

When they do something bad but funny and you can't help but laugh, further encouraging them in whatever it is they're doing.

When they're able to, they go through a sustained period of talking unmitigated nonsense. Worse yet, they seem to encourage you to do the exact same thing.

They find ceaseless amusement with activities they've done 1000 times before.

Being unable to go out and visit people without it being a major mobilisation of military personnel: travel cot, diapers, food, toys, spare clothes etc.

When they're so young that you don't really know what they're for.

That goopy shit that is laughably described as their food.

The effect that public breast feeding has on teenage boys.

The fact that they represent evidence that completely repugnant people have been permitted to allow their inferior genes to last for yet another generation.

Those celebrities that think adopting a baby from a third world nation is some sort of fashion statement.

Tidying up after the little brats.

Having to crawl around on the floor with them for hours.

Not being able to put them to sleep by applying a full nelson.

Not being sure whether the noises that they make are signs that they are choking or whether it's just stupid noises that they make.

When you're holding them and having a conversation with someone else and they fart/shit loudly.

Being able to feel the tremor during the above.