Microwave Death
Carried out by

So, JCP entrusted unto me 5 Peeps to ruthlessly slaughter for your viewing pleasure. I've devised the demise of all but one of them so far. This was to be the first of my attempts; the one that sold you all on my devious, sadistic and twisted sense of humour. Talk about delusions of grandeur…

Unable to deal with the others due to their outdoorsy nature, I decided that the first of my Peeps, nicknamed Mickey Wave for the purposes of this experiment would meet his ultimate end in my own personal NUCLEAR REACTOR!!! Or maybe my Microwave: given that I don’t own a nuclear reactor.

So, I put the little guy into a very fancy dish that I had been given by my mum (at the time it had contained a delectable vegetable lasagne) and set him on his way. It’s worth noting that pictures of things spinning in the microwave really don’t come out so well. The following are pretty blurry and non-descript.

During the process, Mickey swelled up to about 8 times the size only to deflate again the moment I removed him from the reactor. This was most disappointing and didn’t make for good viewing. Still, Mickey, once removed, resembled a purple pile of goop with tiny shitty brown eyes peering out of it. Poor sap.

But I was not through with him. No way! Not until I had something that I could take to TheInsaneDomain viewing public in the way of entertainment. That little bastard was going back in for two and a half minutes without a break. I wanted his guts strewn across the walls of my reactor. Screw the cleaning! I was doing this for viewing public: my peeps. You people deserved better than this and Mickey was just going to have to suffer more for your amusement.

Then things started to go somewhat pear-shaped… A wee bit Pete Tong. Sure, Mickey swelled up this time, but he started to melt and burn followed by a short spell of emitting a sweet burning stench. As I peered at his sizzling form through the reactor’s window, I was startled by a loud crack.

It took me a moment to realise that, as a last act of vengeance against my malevolence, the little bastard had detonated in my mum’s pastry dish! Blown the thing clean in two! Not only this, but he had spewed his entrails onto my Microwave turntable and decided to burn and solidify himself to it. It appears that behind their fluffy and light exterior, Peeps are basically vindictive bastards with their own, equally amusing twisted sense of humour.

All that was left to do with scrape the remnants of Mickey from the turntable and rinse it off and toss the dish into the trash.

Thus, for your viewing pleasure, not only was my first Peep sacrificed this night but also one of my mother’s baking dishes. No lasagne for me until I replace it.

I sincerely hope you’re amused or their sacrifices shall be in vain.

Go ask him questions about this.

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