Okay, so there are lots of people in this world who just plain suck. Rude people stand very high at the top of my own personal list. Unless provoked, there is absolutely no reason for someone should treat another person like a piece of shit. No person in this world should be made to feel low. All right, got that. Then there are people who may not seem to be quite as bad compared to a Rude Bastard, but really, they’re much worse. That’s right, people, we’re crossing over into Annoying Idiot(s) territory.

Case in point: Keeners. What is a keener, you ask? Well, first off, you should be asking ‘who’ and not ‘what’. Keeners are people like you and me, except they are extreme overachievers. Extreme. They may be invading your place of work, your classroom, or, hell, even your home. They go above and way too far beyond compared to the average person. Ultimately, their keen ways make them end up looking like a big time suckhole.

I’m going to focus on Classroom Keeners just because I’ve come across far too many. Also, I’m an English/Creative Writing student, and there’s an abundance of these weird intellectuals in these types of classes. There are many different Keener Klassifications, so let’s get started. Heh, do you like my letter replacement on ‘classifications’? I’m keen like that.

Oprah-like Keeners : People who go on long, philosophical benders involving such phrases as “this is how I feel” and “this is who I am” while in the middle of classroom discussions are friggin’ Oprah wannabes. It’s like these folks enjoy slipping into a monologue moment. Well, they never get applause afterwards--and they shouldn’t.

Fake Keeners : These dumb shits try way too hard to be smart/keen/whatever, but they really don’t know what they’re talking about. They’ll go so far off topic that you’ll need a map to steer you back in the direction you were going before. Yes, they’re that bad.

Confused Keeners : They’re kind of like Fake Keeners, but they’re actually keen. They bring up good points, they contribute to the discussion--but they just do it in a totally idiotic way. Nine times out of ten they need clarification with something. They’re just always like, “Wha--? I don’t get it.” They’re slow, in other words. They’re not blessed with “intellectual quickness”.

Mentally Unbalanced Keeners : These people are more insane than the members of The Insane Domain…yeah, that’s saying a lot. These types of keeners can’t control their voice pitches. Also, they practically take people out with their flailing hands and arms (which they allow to flail to emphasize points). They basically need a straight jacket and a muzzle and the world will be safe again.

Extreme Keener-ism : These people are a lost cause…I mean, really. I don’t like to give up on people, but these ones have no hope in hell to get over their condition. When an instructor asks them to write a paragraph about themselves, they’ll write a novel. When asked to edit a peer’s paper, they’ll look far too into it and interpret shit for no reason (and usually get it wrong). They have perfected the art of overachieving, and that’s just sad. Extreme Keeners are doomed to spend a life pleasing people to the point where the person being pleased will just lose it and hire an assassin.

Fortunately, there is something positive to all this. The keener population isn’t about to take over anytime soon. In fact, I’ve only come across three keeners who can be stuck under the “extreme” classification. Usually, there is one keener for 30 average students (that pretty much balances things out, and I’m all about balance). If it weren’t for keeners, my classes wouldn’t be so amusing. I’d have nothing to complain about either…and that would be even sadder.