Basic Winter Survival Guide
by JCP - Canadian Citizen

It seems that each year I see more and more people around me that don't seem to understand how they are to behave during winter here in Ontario Canada. Keep in mind that where I am, near Toronto, is not THAT northern. (Take a look at the map and see.) Sure we get snow, and sometimes it's a LOT of it, but all in all, it's not really that bad and it's only for a few months a year. Having four seasons is a good thing in many ways. But we're not here to discuss that.

This guide is to finally give a clue to all the clueless people out there who are surprised each year when winter once again retruns. If anyone you know seems to have problems with any of these things, kindly refer them to this guide until they understand.

Windscreens/Windshields/Back window/Windows
No matter what you call them, the whole point of having windows is to see out of your vehicle. They are helpful when driving, because seeing what you are driving at, or what is going on around you normally helps you arrive to your destination in one living piece. As nice as it is to see your lovely blood on the crisp white snow, you might take out some other people who deserved to live more than you do.

I know it's cold in the morning and that cleaning off the vehicle is a cold task, however, it must be done. Wake your lazy ass up earlier, bundle up and get out there to clean off your vehicle. DO THE ROOF. When you drive off, all it does is fly off the top and land on the person driving behind you, blinding them for a moment. Also, it will cover up your back window again.

Dress warmly.
I have to admit one of the joys of winter is seeing those idiots that decide that dressing warmly just isn't fashionable. They're outside for some reason, shivering away in a sweater or thin jacket because they don't want to look like a fat puffy person in a proper winter jacket. From guys that think they're too manly for the cold to women who don't want to admit that their bony ass needs proper warmth, it's quite amusing.

There was even a little clip about this on the weather network, telling people that they don't need to sacrifice style for warmth. Anyone who decided NOT to dress warmly due to fashion are the same as kids who refuse to dress properly. Suck it up people, don't you think your health is more important than how you look in a damn winter jacket?

If you're going to be outside at all, dress warmly. It gets cold and yes, weather like this can actually kill you. Also, screw all those for getting sick due to being stupid and getting paid to sit at home while the rest of us still have to work. Don't dress TOO warmly or you'll overheat but remember, it's easier to take stuff off to cool down than to get warmer.

Ice is slippery.
You'd be amazed how many people don't remember this from year to year, or even minute to minute. For all those that don't know, ice is indeed slippery. It doesn't matter if you're on foot or in a vehicle. Even if you're in a SUV with all the bells and whistles, ice is still slippery.

There are a few ways to not have horrible issues with ice.

  1. Don't move really quickly.
  2. Don't try to stop suddenly.
  3. Give plenty of room to everyone around you without becoming a slow-moving hazard yourself.
  4. Take your time.
  5. Consider where you and your vehicle will go if you do slide and be prepared to avoid things like trees, telephone poles, bus stops, humans and livestock.

Take your time.
Due to there being snow on the ground and idiots in vehicles everywhere, it takes longer to get anywhere in the winter than in the summer. People who get impatient on their way to work but don't want to leave 10 minutes earlier are dumbasses and have only themselves to blame when they try to rush and get in an accident. Due to their stupidity, traffic then comes a crawl as everyone has to move around their smashed car and bleeding body. Some people drive slowly because they want to be safe, some too slowly because they're scared shitless of the snow and ice. Either way, you have to account for these people and riding up their ass because you're late doesn't make the world a safer place for anyone.

Cold hands and paws.
We all get cold hands, even if you have warm mitts on. Just for the record, it's NOT funny when you put your cold hands on someone. That's just a bitchy and jerky thing to do to someone unless you're married to them. (If you're married, at least they know that they should expect cruel and unusual punishment.) Mitts should be worn when outside, as you will probably need your fingers at some point again in your life. Don't think you can get away with just tucking your hands in your sleeves, that's what children do when they're too dumb to put on their mittens. Both men and women also have issues to consider in the winter when going to the bathroom. For women, COLD bathroom seats that your ass might get stuck to. For men, COLD hands when going to take a piss that cause you scream like a little girl.

Animals get cold paws too. Make sure you talk to your vet and see if you have to worry about it. Salt sometimes gets in their paws and makes it not feel so great for them. Also ensure that they're warm and have a sweater if needed, even if it makes you feel like a moron and makes the animal look like a loser. Better they're alive looking stupid than dead.

Snow & bad weather days.
There are just some days where it really is safer to just stay at home than to try to navigate the inanity going on in the streets. These are the days where you know you'll just end up sitting at work doing shit-all because only a handful of stupid people like yourself have managed to actually make it into work. The whole pay vs. safety thing comes into play. You decide if it's easier to just stay at home and take the loss in wages for a day (if you don't get paid salary etc) or to attempt sliding your way into work and the cost of any repairs to your vehicle or yourself.

Get out.
The more you move, the warmer you are and the better you feel. Most of us want to hide indoors in a ton of blankets but let's face it, that just makes our asses fatter. Get out once in awhile and if you dress properly, it's actually fun. Walk, hike, ski, snowshoe, skate, whatever. Grab a warm cup of something and go enjoy. It only sucks at first before you warm up and at the end if you're not dressed warm enough or stay out too long. Remember to bring extra clothing just in case, and don't stay outside until you freeze. If it's sunny out, bring sunglasses too because that sunlight bouncing off the white snow can get blinding.

Shovel the damn snow.
For those who live in places that have front steps, stairs or sidewalks, your job is to go out and shovel the snow. Yes it's hard work and you'll end up coming back inside feeling sweaty and nasty, but suck it up. Shovel the damn snow and make it so people can safely get by. It doesn't take hours to do and let's face it, you need the exercise. If you don't, then your brat kids or neighbourhood kids could use some extra cash to do it for you. Don't just throw salt out there and wait for the environment to die and leave you snowless, get out there and do it. Use sand or another alternative instead of salt because it's better for the environment, and if it gets REALLY cold it won't freeze into really slippery ice. Also, a shovel isn't THAT heavy, use it instead of the damned snowblower.

Playing in the snow.
This can actually be fun. If you dress warm and get yourself some of those cheap snow-pants then you're set to go play without getting soaked cold by snow. For those who are new to sledding, hang on. Don't trust people who smile too much when they tell you it will be fun or if they suggest that YOU get on first. The odds are they're sending you down to see if you survive and to get a good laugh at you.

It's always tougher to haul your ass up the side of a hill than to slide down it. So remember to enjoy the ride down.

Throwing snow.
Even when it seems funny, do NOT make snow balls with ice in them and throw them at people's faces. While this seems like an amusing thing to do, it's not if you're the person who gets it in the face. If you do this, even as a joke, you're an asshole and we all hope you fall through thin ice. The only type of snow that you can reasonably assemble into a snowball is called "packing snow". This being because you can pack it into shapes, most commonly snow people, snow forts and snow balls. This is a wetter, heavier type of snow so you need mittens on to handle it for any period of time. With this snow, the more you press on it, the more solid it gets, so be careful when making snowballs; All your pawing at it might make it a large ice ball.

If you do throw an ice ball on purpose at someone's face, you deserve to get your ass kicked. The rest of the time, aim for the torso of the body. Also, once you start throwing snow, you can not expect that it won't be thrown back. Adults that throw snow at kids and then tell them not to throw snow back is just being silly. If you throw snow at someone, it is their right to throw it back.

Tim Horton's.
If you are going to visit Canada in the winter, watch out for this. While Tim Horton's coffee is an addiction to many people, it increases in the winter when people want hot liquid to help warm them up. Instead of leaving earlier to get this, or even just giving it up when they see the line up is too long, they instead plug up the streets and intersections with their cars. Seriously, whole intersections blocked up for 5+ minutes because people think their coffee is more important than everyone around them trying to get somewhere. And more people line up behind them, waiting to buy several toasted bagels when they should be parking their cars, getting off their fat lazy asses and going INTO the store where there are NO line ups. If you want coffee, get up early to get it or make it yourself. Do not plug up the streets with your vehicle.

Random winter terms:
- The pile of snow that is left when you've shovelled it. Normally these are found around driveways, sidewalks, and roads, as the snow is normally being removed from these areas and needs to be piled up somewhere out of the way. Kids then play in these, knocking all the snow back onto where it was shovelled from.
Snowjob - Having your face jammed into a snowbank, or having snow rubbed in your face by some jerk.
Sled/toboggan/saucer/crazy carpet - All types of sleds used to go down snowy slopes/hills.
CAR! - What is yelled when you're attempting to drive down a street where kids (both boys and girls) are playing road hockey. Don't get mad they're out there playing, just wait for them to give you room to go by and if they don't move fast enough, get out and start a snow ball war with them.
Road hockey - Playing hockey without ice skates on the street. Normally two nets are dragged out onto the road and then kids play. When a car comes they will pull the nets off to the side of the road and stand out of the way so the vehicle can pass. Road hockey is normally played with a tennis ball or something similar instead of a proper puck.
Flannel, fleece and down - These things = WARM.
Cold enough for you? - What really stupid people ask you when you come inside while covered in snow and freezing your ass off.