By JCP Sept 2003

Proper Nose Picking Tips & Tricks
Keep your fingernails trimmed - This is very important. If you don't keep your nails trimmed, you run the risk of accidentally cutting the inside of your nose with your nail. Also, having long nails gives the snot a place to hide in. Not only are you picking your nose, but you're now carrying around the snot under your fingernails.The snot could gather up more germs, and in an absent moment, you put your finger into your mouth and now those germs and the snot are in your mouth.

Do NOT eat the snot - It may seem like a good idea, or perhaps a tasty treat. If you are alone, then if you truly decide to then go right ahead. However, keep in mind that snot is stuff your body blocked from coming into you. Never eat your snot in public, unless you have some sort of mental issue that can only be expressed with public snot eating.

Clean hands - Always wash your hands before picking your nose. If you can't get to clean water, just rub them on your pants. Some people do the 'Sniff Test' after washing to make sure their hands are clean.

The 'Sniff Test' - Before picking your nose, sniff your fingers and hands. This way, if you have gotten something sticky or food-related on your hands, you can smell such things and not transfer the source of the smell into your nose. Not only would it put the smell in your nose, but if the sticky stuff on your fingers could be from an alien species, and you've just given them your nose to enter your body. They could then take your body over and force you to do awful things like eat Taco Bell.

Dealing With Snot
There are various ways to deal with snot, both during the picking and afterwards. There are times that a tissue isn't available, or where you are in a public place, unable to do a complete nose-picking.
Here are some of the more common types of nose-picking and snot-handling:

Roll & Throw - roll up the snot between your two fingers until you can flick it away. This is easier to do with the slightly hardened type of snot, not the gooey snot.

Quick Pick & Wipe - for those who aren't sure if someone is looking at them. This is more common out in public. A quick pick to loosen up the snot, and then a wipe with the back of the hand. Most people also sniff after the wipe, just to make sure they don't feel anything else coming out.

Wipers - This is the term given to those who insist on wiping the snot on public items such as table tops, under tables, the sides of chairs, other peoples pants, and computer keyboards. These sort of people get some sort of cheap thrill off of smearing things with snot. Most of these people are between the ages of 6 and 10, however the adult Wipers normally have some sort of boring job that has broken them down to the level of a 6 to 10 year old. The children wipers also wipe their snot on their arms, and then laugh when an adult picks them up.

Bubble World Residents - Those who live in their own little bubble of reality usually do not care that people see them picking their noses. Their philosophy is that everyone has snot, it's something that needs to be removed and it's only human to do so. These are the people that you see digging into their noses with their fingers and making some strange faces as they do so. They are usually the people that then inspect what was in their nose to make sure that it's not a listening device that was implanted by aliens and/or the government.

Nose Stuffers - These are the people who have given up on trying to fight the runny nose, and have just jammed tissues into their noses to absorb the snot. In many cases, these people are also suffering from a cold or flu, and are so drugged up and miserable that dealing with snot is beyond them. It's easier to just shove the tissue up their nose instead of rubbing the nose off their face with it. The only drawback to this method is if the tissue is left in too long and upon removal, comes apart. This leaves the person with bits of soggy tissue in their nose, which then needs to be dug out.

Magic Snot - This happens to those with allergies, or colds. Usually this is type of snot that forces people into becoming Nose Stuffers. This snot is the snot that never ends. It keeps coming no matter how much you blow your nose. It's similar to the magic handkerchief trick that magicians perform, in that you can keep pulling it out but more keeps coming. Some people even get two tissues and perform the hand-over-hand snot pull, trying to pull it out in one continuous string. More often then not, this results in snot covering them. The best thing to do with this sort of snot is to blow out as much as you can (without popping your ears) and then become a Nose Stuffer.

Things NOT to use when picking your nose- straightened out paper clips, knives, rolled up printer paper, a fork, nail file, severed fingers found at the side of the road, broken glass, lit matches, pens, pencils, rusty nails, water bottles, stale bread, duck beaks, rulers, toothpicks, salad tongs, shoe laces, ice skates, salt shakers, pepper shakers, bee hives, someone else's finger or toe, ribbons, NASA equipment, shotguns, stickers, cardboard boxes, condoms, CDs, screwdrivers, cheese, petrified wood, fossils, keys, old shoes, swords, the backs of earrings, straws, antennas, dried up worms, leaves, twigs, noodles