Old People Suck
By: Mort & JCP
Ok so we all get old, (unless you die young) and when you get older, you'll start doing some of this shit too. You'll probably be clinging to your old CD collection, talking about the early days of the internet, and no one will care. For those that want to write in and complain that making fun of old people is just wrong, shut the hell up. We're not making fun of them all, just the ones that do this stuff. There are plenty of old people that are still smart and funny as hell. So keep your hate mail to yourself or we'll send our grandmothers after you.

They walk far too slow and block city centres.

Old people porn is just the worst. I shan't go into detail...

They all smell of TCP.

Every time a grandparent visits, he/she comments on how much you've grown.

They ALWAYS want to read what your t-shirt says and then question you about it.

They pretend to be all doddery and frail, but they're just attention seeking, and when they pinch, it HURTS.

They tell the same story over and over again about tales from world war two.

They complain it's witchcraft when you show them technology past the sixties.

They always have to get as close as possible to speak to you, and their breaths smell.

They raise their voices as though YOU have a hearing problem.

They still think it's the 20s and you're someone named "Georgey".

They are secretly government agents.

They always get food stuck in their teeth and it's SICK. (Then, when they go to finally remove it, they pop out their teeth right there at the table and pick at them.)

Everything you say is funny to them but not in the way you intended.

If they don't understand what you say, they just ignore you.

When your parents go away for the weekend they always insist on coming round and checking on you as though you're not capable of living on your own.

They think all teenagers are 'yobs'.

They fake illnesses to get you to like them. Then they die.

They are never willing to listen to what you have to say if they have an opinion on something - what they say is always right...

They ask you how college is going every time they see you even though they know you're just lying. It's their way of breaking you down mentally.

They tell you every single little detail about their day. EVERYTHING.

If you're on a bus, they expect you to get up and move so they can sit down. If you don't, they get angry at you and tell the bus driver who is also old, and he throws you off.

They just won’t die.

They over-chew food so it's loud and irritating.

They dress up their pets to look exactly like they do.

They collect really boring things such as stamps and insist you sit through them explaining them all in detail. They start again if you interrupt.

Every girlfriend you have is regarded as 'dishy', and every boyfriend a 'little punk'.

They watch really boring television programmes then tell you all about them when they come and visit you. (At first, you didn't even realize these people were TV characters and it confused you for awhile.)

They try to talk to you if you're standing in a long queue as though they know you.

Everything that isn't Christian (or their religion of choice) is apparently bad.

Procreation is disgusting, improper, and only for marriage in their eyes.

You only get married to have kids in their sick and twisted baby-making world. If you don't want kids, they think something is horribly wrong with you and proceed to try to talk you into it.

They walk into other old peoples houses and say that they're their friends when they're not.

They walk into your house and say that you're their friend when you're not.

Everything is always such an issue to old people.

They only carry canes and sticks to strike you with.

Every item of clothing they own is green, brown, or a really crap colour.

They exist just to piss you off.

All the music you listen to is loud and annoying to them.

When you're doing homework they speak louder than normal to other people around you to put you off.

When talking to other people about you, they always dig up something from when you were really young to embarrass you.

Life drawing art classes are of drawing old, fat and naked women who shout at you in a really posh voice about how you’re supposed to hold your arm out to measure stuff and her breasts wobble grotesquely.

They sing along to really old theme tunes from dated films and hymns etc in public to make themselves look cool and as though they know a lot.

They inhabit villages and swarm like zombies during the day time, then go to bed at 18:00.

They drive around really slowly just to piss you off then say it’s a ‘tradition’ of relaxing on a Sunday afternoon.

They start pretty much every sentence with ‘Back in my day…’

The bible is literal truth to them, no matter how insane it is. That says it all.

They pull at your face with their bony fingers of death.

One old person seems to know every other old person… as though it’s some kind of alliance.

They ramble on about random crap and you have to nod and say yes every so often to keep them happy.

They insist on hugging and kissing you. Even if you they don't know you.

They complain that everyone’s not doing their job properly.

They visit on a weekly basis and demand dinner as though it is what’s expected from you.

They drop you on your head when you’re a child, then laugh as though it was an accident.

When you say 'Sock Monkey' to them, they just look blankly back at you.

Since they've been wearing the same perfume/cologne for the last 100+ years, they no longer can smell it. So they decide to marinate themselves in it for days before going out, causing people to choke on the cloud of perfume/cologne they leave wherever they go.

They go buy up 20+ burgers from a fast food joint and keep them in the freezer to be reheated and eaten later.

They give things like 'raisin pie' to you to eat and it's just rancid. Somehow it's what they 'used to live on as a kid'.

Tons of old records sit in their basements, and you're forced to hear the same one over and over through some crappy record player they have. Sometimes you even have to dance with them and help mop up their tears over 'days gone by'.

You don't know what a crooner is, and each time they tell you, you still don't know. So that you don't have to hear some Rudy Valee guy anymore, you just smile and nod the next time you're asked.

The internet seems like witchcraft to many of them. Those that do manage to get online spam you repeatedly with the same message every day, thinking it's new each time.

How do you forget to put your teeth in? Doesn't it feel weird without them?

They clog restaurants in the mornings, and are never happy at the way the eggs are done.

Somehow it's not ok to just walk on their sidewalks without them coming out and shaking their fist at you, calling you a 'damned punk kid'.

The way they make that slurping sound when sipping incredibly hot tea/coffee.

That rasping/sucking noise they make without realizing it as they suck on their dentures in their mouths.

Rogue hairs protruding from their noses/ears/face that keep getting longer and longer until you're scared to even look at it for fear it will sense you and kill you by wrapping itself around your throat.

They still think a nickel should buy you something 'nice'.

There always seems to be a half used tissue on their body that appears magically in their hands every time you so much as sniffle. (Avoid these tissues at all costs, they still carry the black plague.)

If you're under the age of 30 and outside after dark, they're convinced you're some 'punk' kid who is just out to cause some trouble.

Because they grew up differently than kids today, they like to bitch about how horrible everything is and how it's all gone downhill. Sure, it's gone downhill, but because of old people like you who won't allow for change!

When you're trying to get out and do something, one of them corners you and decides to tell you their life story. You'd love to shove them away and run, knowing they wouldn't remember, but your mom is watching and you have to feign giving a shit for the longest 15 minutes of your life.

Sometimes when you've just done something terribly stupid with your life, they remind you that they had warned you about this happening earlier and sit there with a smug smile on their face as you realize that they were right.