Fashion tips for idiots.
We're here to help you fashion challenged losers.

Spandex is only allowed when you are participating in a sport. (Golf does not count as a sport.)

Keep your ass in your pants. Nine times out of ten, it is NOT an ass that is worth seeing.


Do NOT wear a hat sideways. No one can possibly be as dumb as that makes them look.

White pants are WRONG.

Yellow clothing of any sort is WRONG.

Items with cute little hearts, flowers or baby animals of any sort are NOT allowed on anything but flannel pajamas.

Black jeans count as 'good' pants.

Hawaiin shirts are only allowed if you're completely drunk and/or camping in Canada.

Black jeans can be worn longer without having the wash them since they absorb most stains without looking dirty.

Black goes with EVERYTHING and should be worn so you can easily slip into the shadows and get to your lair before your enemies even know what's going on.

Tubetops are only for strip bars.

If you have to keep pulling your shirt down, it's too short.

Having your gut hang out of your pants/shirt is NOT attractive.

Long fake fingernails are just WRONG.

Tie up your shoes. If you are running away from monsters etc, you will not have time to tie them up.

Boots are good for kicking ass.

Blinking lights on shoes are only cool for about 30 seconds and then it's just stupid and annoying.

There are enough bleached blond, sickenly fake tanned girls in white shirts out there, so enough already.

Plaid is wrong unless it's a kilt.

If you can't run in your clothes, you shouldn't be wearing them in case you suddenly need to run after someone and kick their ass.

Hooded sweatshirts are our allies. They even come with zippers up the front for those who struggle with pulling things over their heads.

Shirts with dinosaurs on them are always cool.

Strange and weird logos can be cool if they are extremely witty and in no way Star Trek related.

Lipstick is evil.

Chapstick is everyone's friend.

Clothing with band names/logos on them are only cool IF you are actually a fan of the music, have BOUGHT their CDs and have been a fan for at least 3 years/albums.

Shirts with sayings like 'Porn star" and other sexually related items are only funny if they're Sock monkey porn star tshirts.

Underwear is to be bought in bulk and be COMFORTABLE.

Pom poms on clothing are wrong.

Pictures of yourself printed on tshirts are not cool in any way and never will be.

Shirts/sweaters with large wolves (or other preditory animals) airbrushed on them are only for scifi geeks who are 40+.

White is ok to wear if it's a tshirt, socks, hockey jerseys, logos and underwear.

If you can't bend over and pick up something to beat someone in the head with, then the skirt/dress is too short.