Ducks all over the planet like birdseed.
They like it when people give them free birdseed.
They don't like how many of you humans are giving them the birdseed though.
They have asked that we instruct you on how to give birdseed to them properly.
Hopefully the next time you bring birdseed to the ducks,
you will be able to provide them with a happy birdseed experience.
You will find yourself surrounded by loving ducks,
and you will be the envy of all.
1. Use small handfuls of birdseed. Ducks don't like it when you throw whole handfuls at them, or worse yet the whole bag. They like it in small handfuls so they can eat it quicker.
2. Do not dunk the birdseed bag into the pond or nearby water area before throwing it. Ducks don't like this. Sometimes they are swimming in the water and you have no choice but to throw it directly into the water. When this happens, try to throw the birdseed close to the ducks so they have time to eat it before it sinks.
3. There is no number three. This is an illusion.
4. Do not give the ducks moldy birdseed. They do not like it.
5. Do not throw the birdseed at the ducks face or ass. Try to throw the birdseed close to their head so they can find and eat it quickly, but not in their eyes. They do not like having their food bounce off their faces or asses, and don't find it amusing when you stupid little humans laugh when you do this. Don't forget that beaks can do damage to your eyes if the ducks decided to get nasty.
6. Bring enough for everyone. Don't be one of those cheap bastards that only give out a few bits of birdseed; go out and buy a full bag. They deserve it.
7. Don't feed birdseed to your children. Your children get fed enough, just look at them compared to the size of the average duck. Tell your kid to stop eating for just a few minutes and instead give that birdseed to the ducks as planned. Your children will understand and thank you in the future.
8. Throw the birdseed using the underhanded throw. This means that you do not whip the birdseed as hard as you can at the ducks, but just toss it up towards them. This allows them to see the birdseed coming towards them and have a few seconds to begin moving towards where it will come down.
9. Stand and throw the birdseed. Do not run at the ducks or walk towards them as you throw the birdseed. If you can, find a bench and throw the birdseed from there. Your stationary position allows the ducks to feel more relaxed while eating.
10. Don't talk stupid to the ducks. They don't like it when people start saying things like "here ducky ducky" and making stupid noises with their mouths. The ducks have eyes and can see you. If they choose not to come over and eat the birdseed you brought, then they are full or just don't like you and your birdseed.
11. Do not get in competitions with others. If there is already someone throwing birdseed at the ducks, and the ducks appear to be content with that birdseed, do not start trying to throw more birdseed at them. Wait until the other person has run out of birdseed (and the ducks appear to still be hungry) or just go home and wait until the following day to come back. Ducks are not here for your pleasure and do not have to eat whatever you or anyone else brings them. They have their health to think of.
12. Do not feed the ducks cardboard. Birdseed and cardboard are not the same thing. Ducks like birdseed, not cardboard.
13. birdseed is a treat for ducks. Some ducks choose to not eat birdseed and choose to reject all human food. You must respect this. They don't like birdseed with peanut butter either, it sticks to the roofs of their mouths.
14. When you throw the birdseed you have to remember to hunch over, head down, in a pose that gives off the signal that you're not about to attack; you come bearing birdseed.
15. Try to find ponds where ducks do not get a lot of visitors all year around, but instead just get summer visitors. These are the ducks that really need your birdseed. They get forgotten in the winter months, and due to relying on humans for hand-outs, get cold and hungry. You will be the most popular winter visitor of the ducks by far, and they might even follow you home and try to nest in your bed.