ok, if you call someone an asshole, and the cal you a jumperbitch, what do you call them back?
You don't call them anything back.  You rush over to where they are, and punch them out.   If they don't go unconscious right after the first hit, keep hitting them until they do.

Are you the God of Insanity?
No.  There is no God or Goddess of insanity.  It just is.

why is it that the lollypop men only eat cheese?
Because that is the best thing to insure wonderfulness.  Try it!

How do you win an argument you're having with yourself out loud in public? (the"bad"side)
Shout out "that's it! I'm leaving you forever!" and since you can't leave yourself, both of you will burst out laughing and get along for another 5 mins.

What does it mean when the voices in your head say "in the land of chocolate you can eat your own toes"
Listen to them.  When you figure it out, then you truly understand the "way".

who invented insanity?
No one invented it, it just is, was and continues to be.  Who are you to question it?

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Damn.  I've lost my tractor.  Oh no.  Bring it back.

If Green=4, Red=3 and Brown=7, what colour is 3934598734598347534?
Black. 

How come I have eleven toes?
Well, you've had a lot to drink, so you are seeing 11 toes instead of the 5 you normally have.  

Have you figured it out?
I have everything figured out, I just don't share it all.

if dumb is pronounced "dum" what is the true meaning of the b?
B is the secret letter added by the government to track how people insult each other.  Every time you say it or type it, a message gets sent that contains your name and number, and the context you were using the word in.

where are the hanson boys? did they die yet?
Hanson boys?  Are those the hockey guys?  I'm not sure about them, they might have killed each other.

can i ever be a mananager of a cholacate factory with talking mooses walking around in hot pink speedos?
Absolutely!  Why not! It's innovative people like yourself that is the driving force of future generations.

What does abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz stand for?
Now if I told you, they'd have to change the code again. 

Dude, I was probed by an alien adn now I can't shit, why?
The probe top broke off.  Simply get an enema.  A cold water one might work.

Ok, if a dog humps a cat, and then a pig humps that same cat, what do you get?
A sore cat.

Yes I have a question, waht the hell was my question?
Your question was "Can I send DC all my money and valuable possessions."  The answer is yes.

why why don't the french women shave?
Why should they? They don't believe in doing that, so they don't.  You know, it is kinda fucked up to shave off hair that grows on us... no other animal does this.  That's humans for ya.

why don't dogs and cats have belly buttons???
The belly button is where your umbilical cord was attached.  Cats & dogs have these, but their cords never came off. They are the tails.

i have some crazy problems: I wasn't done!! where did my doggie go? is he there? if you have seen him contact me at oh!!! there's my doggie!! oh wait.... nevermind
I'm glad I could help.

If peanutbutter is made out of peanuts, and butter is made out of milk, how many penguins can fit into an icecream truck?
11 King penguins and 45 normal ones. But they aren't content to simply be shoved in an ice cream truck.

My dixie wrecked and i can not find it... can YOU tell me where is the lost and found??
The lost and found has been lost.  If anyone knows where it is, or has seen it lately, please contact us.  If we do not find it, we will make another.

an alien offered me a sucker to go into his spaceship, I said no, so he said "sup g, wanna go for a ride", so I went, did I do the right thing?
Of course!  Space ship rides are the best. Just don't bend over, and watch where you sit.

I have a major problem, the aliens abducted my pants, and my sock monkeys, what will they go after next? and why did they take my beloved sock monkeys?
They will go after your sea monkey collection.  The aliens that stole your sock monkeys are monkey lovers.  They will proceed to steal anything and everything that could even be remotely like monkeys from you. Save yourself the terror and put it all on your front lawn for them.

Who invented horses?
I did.  I was bored.

last night a giant blob came into my bed and chewed off my noise.  How could i get my noise back?!?!  
Find the blob and steal it back!!! What the hell else would you do!!!??!!!

why do i always poop my bed
Because you sleep in your toilet. You've been doing things wrong for awhile now!!! 

who is inSANity?  YOU know the one who YOUR banner speaks of.
I can't answer that for fear of death.  All I can say is... TIME.  You know what to do.

What if a car wrecks into a street...True or False?
Usually False.  I have, however, experienced True. It was very strange and I hope to never see that again.  I couldn't sit for a week.

I have a question... but I don't know what it was can YOU tell me what my question was so I can ask it?
Your question was "Is it ok for me to sign over all my money and belongings to you?" and my answer is "Sure!"  I expect to see it all in a week.

Who is Bob?  And why does he follow me all the time?
Bob is your friend.  You're the one who asked him to follow you by sleeping with him and never leaving his home. 

CAN I ever be SANE or am I cured with inSANity?
Sane is boring.  Why would you want to be sane?

Will DC go out with me?
That all depends on where and who's paying.  Also, do you put out?

Is my washer broken or something...its not eating my socks I can't seem to lost any.
Try sprinkling salt on the socks before you throw them in.  Perhaps your socks are way too clean to be eaten.  Try wearing them for a week, then turning them inside out and wearing them for another week.  That might do it.

What is the difference between a dead cow and a broken belt???  If I do not get the answer I will flunk!!
The broken belt doesn't moo.  It also owns more property, and can be held accountable for it's actions.

So what if I do not know how to use a condom I'm fucking 16  so what!   What are YOU going to do about it?  It's not my fault I'm not into sex.   I'm a guy I can do what ever I want with my body ...YOU  hear me it's mine!!!!!
So what you're saying is that you don't know how to use a condom?  One tip you may need to know, it goes on your penis.  Other then that, do what ever you want.

when are the super squirrels going to take over the earth?
Hopefully never.  I'm hoping the cats will beat them to it.

what color is a fart?
Look in your underpants... you'll find out.  Either that or look at a friends ass while they fart.  You might have to get in real close.

Why am I ?!?  What is this thing infront of me?
Well that's two questions, but I'll be nice and answer them both.

You are because of irresponsible people who couldn't figure out how a condom worked.

The thing in front of you is a monitor.  If you smash your head into it repeatedly, then it will look different.

what is the purpose of the pinky toe on the left foot?
That is something that humans have been wondering for year.  I think that is it due to the fact that two pinky toes on the right foot would just be wrong.

what do you do if a big pile of poo starts talking to you
How about if they email me with stupid questions?  You answer.  But barely.

why do i have worms
They aren't worms.  I don't know what they are, but they aren't worms.  I think it's time to re-evaluate your current bathing situation.

Will you be my friend?
No.

Why will lawn gnomes take over earth?
Because it is destined that it be that way.  So be nice, and stop pissing on them.

Lately my sock monkeys have been acting strangely, they have not clean the lint from the dryer in over a month, what is wrong with my monkeys?
You haven't been treating them right.  If they continue to be neglected, they will start pissing on your clothing and pillow.  No amount of washing gets that smell out, so be nice to them, and take them out for dinner.

Lately aliens have been abducting my friends pants and I'm afraid I may be next, what precautions should I take to ensure that the aliens don't abduct my pants?
Burn all of your pants.  If they can't have them, no one will!  If you don't want to burn them, here are some other tips:
-wear all your pants all the time
-smear your own shit all over all your pants
-surround yourself with stupid people who never wear pants with belts so they get them, not you
-tell Steve to leave you alone.

Why is my foot green if i was supposed to go to my moms?
If you removed the thing that is covering your foot, you will see that the green was just a foot covering, a sock.

hello? is this thing on?
On? Online? yes.

Why does my ass shoot out flames when I eat frogs?
What is everyone's obsession with asses? Is it because you can't take a good hard look at your own without a mirror?  Time to think about other things!!!!  And in responses to the question, it's because you're eating flaming frogs.

What do you do when everyone thinks you're sane , but actually you are the most insane person you know , all of them?
You keep your fool mouth shut.  You set up your closet with insane items (some of which can soon be purchased here) and confine your insaneness to your closet until you are completely sure that you are indeed insane and ready to share it with the world.  Insanity is a wonderful choice for life, but  you have to be strong enough to stick with it.

Why does my ass emit weird noises after I've eaten beans?
It is your asses way of saying thank you for burning it's delicate mouth.  You may experience a burning sensation for a few hours, but it will fade away.   Also, be sure to not emit these sounds around others.

Why is there a blue canary in the outlet by the light switch?
The canary is there due to a freak warping n time and space.  If you look next Thursday, it may turn yellow.

Why did you steal my tu-tu , and why was i not informed when the 1812 war was fought in 1816?
First, because you weren't here to ask, and second, we sent you an email, check your deleted folder.

What do you do if you find a blob of jello chasing you down the street
The only thing you can do... RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!

What do you do if a 116 pound dingo eats your baby?
Take the money out of the college fund, bury what's left of the brat, then go vacation somewhere nice after I pay to have myself fixed so no more demon children pop out with my genes

why the hell do you put those STUPID, not to mention RETARDED questions on there?!?!?!?!
Because Stupid Retarded people keep sending them in, and stupid retarded people keep reading them!  Ha ha... also, because without stupid questions, there will never be stupid answers... and where will we be then?   Exactly.

What should you do if your spork begin to taste like a penis?
Stop eating and start interrogating everyone around you. There is a reason it tastes that way, and it ain't pretty.

What do you do if you go skinny dipping with a cow and you find yourself swimming in jello when you see 3 sock monkeys eating your underwear?
Turn away and forget that you ever saw it.  Just be careful zipping up your pants.  Sock monkeys are spooked easily while eating... don't attempt to retrieve the underwear, just let them go.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your goat?
First of all, you decide if you actually LIKE the goat.  If you are just infatuated with it, then it's not worth it.  If you do like the goat, you proceed to hunt them down, kill your so called best friend and bury the body.  You force the goat to watch, and threaten it.  You then implant a chip in the goat, so if you suddenly realize it ran off again, you can hit a button and it will explode.

Who is my real dad?
The truth is, you don't really have a father.  You see, they mixed you up in a test tube with synthetic sperm as an experiment.  Your mother is just your birth mother, not your biological one, as the egg was also synthetic. But you see, your real dad is the one that you love, even if it's two of them.  Family isn't always blood.

Why do cows fly on Monday nights with the yellow monkey with the purple flowers in his hair?
Because that is the proper night to do so.  Tuesdays are for purple monkeys and yellow flowers, Wednesdays are for Howler monkeys with blow-darts, Thursdays for Gibbons with parachutes, and Fridays are for geese with grenades.  

What would the pigs do if YOU were raped by a goat that has 3 1/2 tails??
They'd be very upset, and frankly, so would I.

what do you do if your igloo melts and the Eskimo comes out and beats you up cause he thinks you melted it
First of all, stay very quiet.  Do not confirm nor deny that you melted his igloo.  Crouch down and when he shakes his fists at you, harpoon him in the belly.  He will kick an scream for a bit, but that's what the other harpoon is for.  Drive it quickly into his throat, as that will cut off the horrible screaming coming from his mouth.  

Once he has stopped kicking, peel off his clothing and shove it under some snow.  You will have to move quickly now, as the smell of blood may attract some animals.  Take out your knife, and proceed to slit him open from throat to his groin.  (Be sure to remove the harpoons.)  

Now, if it is cold outside, the body and blood will freeze quickly, making your job more difficult, but less messy.  But if conditions were enough to melt the igloo, then the job will be messy, but the flesh will be easier to cut.  

Now, as this is quite a long a detailed procedure, I will not write it all here.  However, the end result is the most delicious and tender meat you've ever had.  

Also, Eskimo is a derogatory word, as they prefer to be called Inuit.

If your a square, should you be seen with circle?
Usually the answer is yes.  However, when accompanied by rectangles, the answer is no.

If you are seen, how should you explain?
Lie.  Just lie and say you don't know it.

Why do I want to hurt Carrottop?
Because... well... it's just natural actually.  

Why won't that guy get out of my bathroom?
Have you asked him to? I find that bathroom dwellers are usually quite friendly.

Why do people eat shit and then shit it back out???
Why not?  It can save you a lot in grocery bills.

Does the hour hand ever get jealous since the minute and second hands move faster then it?
No, quite the opposite actually.  The other hands are jealous of the hour hand, as it does not do much work but is considered more important by society then the other hands. It's the boss, so it does less, moves less and gets all the credit.

How much lamb milk should someone drink daily??
The Food People (TM) suggest that 2 servings a day is good.  Obviously, a bit more is ok, but do not exceed 4 servings a day without consulting a doctor of some sort.

If your going down a skill hill, and you lose a wheel, will it take the same amount of pan cakes to cover a doghouse?
Although many uninformed people would say yes, the answer is indeed no. If I have to explain it, then you do not deserve to know.

What would YOU do if some 852lb albino professional whore asked YOU for YOUR goat?
I'd let her borrow it, but would put a chastity belt on it so it wouldn't get diseased.

What are the other uses for Goat Meat?
Well, besides the normal uses for goat meat such as fun and sculpting animal shapes out of them, you can also pile lots of it on top of each other and have a mountain o'meat.  While this is fun for the first bit, once it begins to rot, or the animal rights people hear about it, the whole thing is no longer fun.  At that point, you shovel it all onto your neighbors lawn and then complain to the cops about the stench.

What do YOU do if a winged rat crawls up YOUR ass and dies?
Well, I am DC, so I will answer for ME.  I simply remove it and have it stuffed.

What do you do if a caterpillar crawls up your ass?
When this happens, I first strike up a conversation with it.  This will determine if it is friendly or hostile.  If it is friendly, we have conversations about history, science, and all sorts of other subjects.  When it gets tired, it politely excuses itself and leaves.

If it is hostile, I simply eat a bunch of beans and burritos, and anything else spicy.  I eat enough to give me diarrhea, and go to the bathroom.  If it doesn't leave from the smell, it leaves due to the searing heat of my shit.

How come OTHER animals can eat dirty germs and stuff without getting sick like US ?
Well animals don't eat dirty germs.  They eat plants and stuff... not Twinkies, McDonald hamburgers and crap.  I would say that humans DO eat crap, and we actually pay for it too.  Plus, animals have anti-germs, which naturally seek out all bad germs and send their lawyer to them.  Since the bad germs are traveling, they always loose the cards to their lawyers, and instead of staying and fighting, they settle out of animal and leave.  

If Gnomes were real, should they be allowed to go to regular public school, or just secret gnome academies?
As with private and public schools here, the choice should be made by the parents.  I would suggest Public school, and then perhaps some tutoring in Gnomness. 

However, the statement I'm concerned with is the IF Gnomes were REAL.  Perhaps you have never met any, and that is why you do not think they are real.  I have never met a Fairy, but that does not mean they are not real.  I happen to have a few Gnome friends, Fred being the Gnome that has been working with us to begin recording Insane Sounds (a radio show).  He is quite friendly and extremely helpful.

If I duke a girl up the ass and cum up there will she get pregnant??
It depends on the day.  If she is fertile, then yes, she will become pregnant with an anal baby.

This also occurs to males, so you better watch your ass too.

What's the difference between a horse???
Approx 3 parsecs.  It depends on the day as well.

How many colors in the rainbow ..... Yes or no?????
Mostly yes.  There have been cases of no, however, they we caused mostly due to lack of interest and imagination.

How tall is the empire state building  ....... true or false
False.  As was proven by Bruce Springsteen, that statement, which had originally been thought to be correct, was proven to be false.   Although many scientists didn't agree, after they carefully re-did Bruce's experiments, they realized that he was indeed correct.

Why do they sterilize the needle before a lethal injection??
This is due to the misconception that if germs are on the needle, that the person will come back to life and kill everyone.  Sure, a few times this has happened, but it's not the norm.

Why do stores that are open 24 hours a day have locks on the doors???
This is so when the store clerk is being held hostage, the store can be locked from the inside, making it difficult for anyone to enter and take out the crazed lunatic.  Another reason is that if the employee of the store goes crazy, they can barricade themselves in the store easily by locking the door and piling the pop cases by the door.  

Have you ever been locked away in a south Koran prison camp and had hot gravy poured all over your naked body while in the same room as a wolverine that's high on angel dust?????
Due to a confidentiality contract, I am unable to either confirm nor deny my own answer.

Have you ever greased up a potato and fired it out of a tennis ball machine at your closest friend???
Indeed! Another wonderful past time is to boil the potato first.   It leaves one hell of a mark.  We also shoot it at each others butt. If you get it in, you win.

What the weirdest thing you've ever done with a donkey???
Performed the musical production of "Hitler, the man with the weird mustache" on Broadway.

have you seen my pants??? ive seem to have lost them.
Yep, and they fit great.

when i went to visit my gramma in the hospital, there was a guy there eating her lipstick and pringles, that was funny, i bet that man would eat his own toes if you someone disguised them as lipstick and pringles, i have something to look forward to, my eye just twitched
Yes he would eat it.  Nice question... next time, word your question in the format of a question.

So what are YOU going to o about it ?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing but wait for your body to catch up with your mind and die.

wow you showed my donkey pinata icon question, only, i have DNA taken from one of the candies inside the donkey, showing that yes infact you were ummm nevermind, anyways to put it bluntly or whatever the hell, i have proof you humped the donkey, nasty nassssttttyyyyyy
Why wouldn't I show your question? I show all questions, no matter how stupid. Remember, as Mr. Garrison says "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."  
Did I hump the donkey? Sadly, no.  You see, while it does have a gaping hole in it's butt, I've seen people pull the candy out of it, and sometimes even beat piñata donkeys to death to get this candy.  To be honest, I don't want to do a donkey up it's ass and then get a life saver sticking somewhere gross. As for your proof, I have to break it to you that changing the face from yours to mine on the photo does not count as proof, and that writing my name over yours will hide the true donkey-pumper.

if sell my soul to satan do you think i can stock in AOL?
I thought that selling your soul was a requirement for getting stock in AOL...

Have you seen a vampire squirrel? 
Seen one? Sure!  One visits my window every day.

are you mad at me for sending you so many questions? i'm simply a curious person...please don't alienate me, DC!!!
Send me all the questions you want.  I alienate everyone, so don't feel special.

hows it goin
It's going.

i really want to know who you are DC...and whats with all the monkey questions?? and the lack of creativity? and to the black hair question...black hair is a lot of dark red pigments...cut off a piece of someones black hair and bleach it...you'll see the pigments...red..then orange..then yellow..it's kinda cool.
I am DC.  Does that clear that up???  Monkeys rock, and you're the only one asking a monkey question.  Lack of creativity? Well, maybe you haven't had enough coffee yet, I'm not sure.  Thanks for the black hair info... :)

Can you help me stop the exploding Pepsi conspericy? I swear, it's taking over my pepsi's, and my pepsi's are my life!
Well, if you stopped shaking it before opening, then there wouldn't be a problem

have you ever had an affair with the donkey icon you use on this page?
I have tried, but it refuses to turn around and show me it's ass.  And to be tell the truth, it's a piñata of a donkey.

is it okay if i sew my bunghole shut?
Sure, why would I care?

besides gossip, why do chicks go to the bathroom together?
Well, many females may kick my ass for telling you, but they go together to talk about men, share lipstick, ask how they look and make sure that there is someone there they know to give them toilet paper if they run out.

what the fuck?
Exactly!!! I ask that every day and the best answer I've gotten is "why the hell not?"

what is an orgy?
It is a pile of naked bodies all prodding and touching each other.  It is also a group that did a cover of New Order's Blue Monday... I like Orgys version better.

Question!!!  I have a question!!  Over here ok......ummm  oh yeah I rememeber ok....is black and whtie a color?  and can people really have black hair or is is just really dark brown.  Oh yeah and ummm...oh yeah I remember, Do you think I am sexy?
I think that black and white are colors, yet many people will disagree with the whole "it's the absence of all colors or all colors together things".  For art, ok, I'll agree.  But for clothes, hair etc, there is a black and white.  White hair is due to lack of pigment... so i guess black hair is dark pigment??? Look it up.

As for you being sexy, the photo of you in that thong was a bit blurry. Please send a clearer one and I'll give you a clearer answer.

who is the insanest of them all?
Well, the national finals haven't been held yet, but I'm hoping one of us here at the domain wins it.

thought you might like like to know; i blasted the beethoven and cannibal corpse at the same time like i said. it sounded cool. it was weird. furious drumbeats and death metal riffs and these wierd slow violins and pianos in the background. thank you! why did you do it?
Awesome!  I haven't done it yet... but perhaps I will!!! Sounds like a rockin time!

whose sick idea was it to put an "s" in the word lisp?
I don't know really, but I assume it was some guy who was totally stoned and thought it would be funny.

how and why do i feel the urge to turn on two speaker systems and blast beethoven through one and cannibal corpse through the other at the same time?
To see what it would sound like.  Might sound cool! Let me know!

am i wrong?
Yes.  And I am ALWAYS right.

have you ever tried to jerk off a sock monkey? they like it.
No I haven't, and I think it all depends on the sock monkey and if they are into that sorta thing.

what is ?.²¯¤ººº´´ø𶵬¬--"·¿­ª¼¦¸¹«¨^±?
It is you typing in weird characters.

is love a lie?
No, it's a complex network of lies, smiles, little things and laughs. 

whatty pop? whazzafug? i am sofa king wee tard ed, you see.
I see, time to lay off the caffeine!

Why do I ask, what I ask, when I don't ask what I'm  going to ask   But I ask anyway. Do you have any unicorns left?
No, we're fresh out.  Sorry!

why are cats so cool?
Because they don't care.

how many kilometers of intestines do monkey men have?
24.5 on average.

Why is AOL Satan's doing?
Because even Satan has a sense of humor.

What do you do when you don't know if the voice in your head is a guy or girl?
You ask, or simply keep your fool mouth shut and do what it says

why are the cows always staring at me? and for gods sakes cant somebody stop the cats from conquering the planet
The cows are doing a study on humans paranoia.  You happen to be a subject.  Next time they do this, look them square in the eye and calmly inform them that you are on to their little game and you are not impressed.   As for the cats, no, nothing can stop them.  Catnip will slow them down, but not stop them.

Huh?
This is the type of question I will from now on throw out as well as gibberish.

honestly DC, your answer to my ratm question was very articulate, and very, very well-put. thank you for answering it. oh, and for answering my sid vicious question well too. sorry, i have no question. only this compliment.
No problem, and thank you for the compliment.  

Are you looking for a replacement?
No, are you?

who are you?
Boy, never under estimate the stupidity of people... it says Ask DC ?s... Do you possibly think that the person answering is DC???  DUH.... Maybe mommy should put you to bed.. it is 2pm now...kinda late for someone with your IQ...

did you know i really enjoy reading your answers? 
thank you :) I'm glad you do!

i met a woman who told me her child was autistic, and i thought she said "artistic," so i said "oh, i'd love to see some of the things he's done." am i an asshole for that?
Nope.  I have however, already heard that one, so I would suggest coming up with your own material.

i think i'm falling in love with her! i haven't even known her a week! what should i do?!
Burn your credit and bank cards and if she's still there, it's love.  If not, it's lust.  If she's drop dead gorgeous, keep your fool mouth shut and the cash flowing.

this might be long, so i'll cut it short. why?
Why not is always the best answer to the question why.  If you don't want to be specific in your question, why should I be specific in my answer?

what time is it?
It's time for people to get a bit more original.

did you know that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration? that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively; there's no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're just the imagination of ourselves?
Well DUH.  You are all just figments of my imagination strategically placed to keep me interested in consciousness.

inna gadda da vidda, baby?
I am only my mothers baby, and even then it's a stretch.  So don't call me baby and I won't call you Stupid Fuckhead

glove slap make a deal on the house, ok bubba stem-po?
I'm not adding nonsense questions anymore... takes up too much of my time.

i am me, so you are _____?
The Ruler of All That Is Dark, Twisted And Strange

why am i here? to pay a fucking parking ticket.
So pay it and fucking leave!

should i go to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting? i was invited there on a date. seriously. nice girl, too, but...
Sure.  Maybe something can help you.  Maybe you should check out an Obviously Stupid For All To See meeting...

damn that was cool... i submitted a question, and 5 minutes later you answered it. i love you, DC.
Thank you, I try. :)

i really hate elizabeth gaudette a lot. is it suggestable to freak out, bash in her head, and eat the dripping goo in the center?
I think you need help with this elizabeth chick... you're obsessed.  Perhaps you carry a deep yearning for her and are overcompensating for this desire by intensifying your anger.  Then of course, she could just be a stupid bitch.  Either way... find a new hobby! 

i can't figure out my girlfriend at all. what should i do? she's ...different, but in a good way.
Then what is the problem?  A chick isn't a puzzle to figure out or solve.  Just be happy and shut up.

what can i do to try to make elizabeth less annoying, or at least hurt her in a humorous way?
Besides a bitch-slap to the face, i'm not sure.  If she's larger then you, shut up and put up.  If you're bigger, then tell her to shut up and put up.  If it isn't worth the effort, simply tune her out or move elsewhere.  No matter where you go, there will always be another idiot saying or doing something stupid.

Who is the strange little man that follows me around all the time???
Your father, for god's sake, just hug him and he'll go away.

how long do you wait to answer questions??
Depends on the day, and how much time I have.

how many licks does it take to get to the center of bob dole?
No one has been brave enough to get past two.

what time is it? i cant make it out... can you tell me?? its very important to know the time.. what does DC stand for anyway??
It is 11:59AM right now.  DC stands for many things, but the original name comes from Demon Child.

i am me? i am..i am me, i am you, but yet i'm me, am i everyone? or am i just...i am?
You are you.  I am me, you are you. You are no one, yet part of everyone.  You just are, were and continue to be.

do you like to bitch at everyone and everything?
Not everyone, and not everything.  That is a bit ridiculous and an exaggeration. I answer questions that others ask me, and I am sometimes bitching, but most often not.  Perhaps you should read through all the questions.  The entry above is not a bitch at all.  I find it kind of amusing that your question is almost a bitching of some sort... as with everything, it is a matter of how you interpret it.

How many questions do you answer in one day, and do you enjoy answering questions all the time, especially stupid ones like this?
I answer anywhere from 3 to 20 questions a day.  It depends how many are sent in and if i have time.  This is actually not too bad of a question, at least it IS a question.

hey, i knew you woud know i was quoting RATM, so you don't have to be an asshole about it. i simply wanted your opinion. no offense.
Well, next time you quote someone, add the source... cuz I hate it when people take my shit and use it somewhere else... it's just courtesy.  My opinion on that?  Well, for one, I am not sure what the American dream is, nor am I American, so perhaps I wasn't taught it.  As for teachers being enemies, well quite literally they aren't.  As for the individual that is a teacher, they could be.  Teachers are doing their jobs just like the rest of us do.  Some of them just barely scrape by, some do a shitty job, and others do great without credit.  Not all teachers are good teachers, and many of them seem to be loosing sight of the final product, giving kids the tools they need later on in life.
<incoming RANT>

The other thing is, kids SUCK and they are becoming bigger and bigger assholes every year.  You couldn't pay me enough to be a teacher.  Kids are actually shooting kids now... who the hell needs gangs when you've got Tommy and Billy with handguns?  

The world is a hostile place most of the time, I know who my enemies are.  They are the government that takes the money I work for and spends it on shit.  Its the losers who take the government money when they shouldn't be.  They are the religious fanatics that constantly push their ideals on me, our laws and everything else.  They are the people who don't listen to others, who destroy the environment and leave their children to be taught by the television.  They are every uninterested parent who thinks its better to let their kid go out and learn for themselves instead of only giving a shit when they get knocked up or knock some girl up.  They are the kids who have kids, and then keep having more.

They are those scrawny fake people who are paid to show our kids what happens when you don't eat for years and that somehow this is good.  They are the people who mutilate their bodies for no good reason with plastic surgery and make the normal person feel ugly for being real.   They are the same people who push this shit on the kids.

My enemies are all over, and they are enemies to everyone, yet sometimes no one but themselves. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or my ideas for running everything are right or wrong, but everyone has a voice, and I, like everyone else, have the right to voice it.

i forget- what was the date that sid vicious died?
On February 2,1979, Sid Vicious, died at the age of 21

yes i know my ememies; they're the teachers who taught me to fight me: compromise, conformity, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite- all of which are american dreams. what are your thoughts on this?
Well I think that you are horribly ripping off Rage Against The Machine and I for one won't stand for it.  When you quote lyrics people... damn well say so.

why is? how was anything created? obviously god exists, yet where did he come from? how does anything exist?
Why is because it is.  Anything and everything is created because it has to be.  I don't agree with the obviously god exists, because I do not agree in the term god and it's implications.  One can argue for the goddess as well, but it is all the same.  It is all the same name for the same thing.

tell me one of your enemies IP addresses, and i will have some fun.
That's quite alright.  None of my enemies are alive.

can i have the donkey pinata? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please ??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!
?!??!?????!!!!!!!!!??!?!?!??!?!?
Since you can't figure out how to copy it, NO.  You don't DESERVE it.

what up, yo? you down with the boost?
I ain't 'down' with anything.  Also, my name is not Yo.  Other then that, nothing is up besides the opposite of down.  

 so i wonder if you'll include all these meaningless spaces  between my  words... will you?
Nope.  Too bad for you on wasting all that time.

what state (don't say something easy like insanity or confusion) do you live in?
What makes you assume I live in a state?  Do all people have to live in the USA?  I am NOT American!!!!  I know I'm arrogant, but not all arrogant people come from the US.  I do NOT live in any state besides insanity.  You knew I had to add that.

up. shut and happy be Just solve. or out figure to puzzle a isn't chick A problem? the is what Then
Lovely way of putting my words backwards.  Did that take you all day to come up with or does it come naturally??? or how about this.... naturally? come it does or with up come to day all you take that Did

mmmm, mm, is this record? i am me...it's a rocker, baby. are you real? do you know how it feels...to touch yourself boom boom boom
I am real. Like I have mentioned before, you are a figment of my imagination.  Obviously I am tired today.

how can i decrese the amount of cigarettes i smoke in a day?
Start by buying less.  The second step is not to light as many.  The third step is buying cigars.  Replace cigarettes with cigars and smoke cigars.

my fiancee of two years cheated on me with two different guys, and then dumped me. can she be forgiven for what she did to me? what would you do in that situation?
I would be in jail thinking about how the bitch got what she deserved.  But no one would do that to me, so you are obviously doing something wrong.  If you go home, demand she makes you a hot meal, quit her job to server you, you damn well deserved it and you're lucky she hasn't killed YOUR sorry ass.  If you treat people like shit, they'll do the same to you. 
But if you don't do that to her, then she is a bitch and you don't need her anyways, so what the hell are you MARRYING her for??? So she can take half of everything for being a slut??? Grow a spine dude... 

ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTIONS! i know this isn't a question, but i'll get around to that. don't you hate when you're reading some long website paragraph or graffiti and it's really fucking long, and it never ever seems to get around to anything interesting? that really irritates me. i say that if you're going to write something really long, it should be something soulful, stirring, funny, or at least worth reading. doesn't it irritate you to have to answer all these stupid fucking questions?
Yes I hate reading long paragraphs or graffiti when it's really long, but obviously the person writing it felt compelled to share the information and who are we really to judge what is to be written and what isn't to be?  Perhaps others find it interesting.  And it doesn't irritate me to answer all these questions, just stupid ones like this one.

why am i naked?
Because you didn't put clothes on.  But that isn't the question you should be asking.  You should be asking "Why am I naked in an internet cafe?"

What in the hell are you talking about ?
Now if I told you, what would be the point?

Do you have a chat line ?
Not yet.  Set one up for me

Whats that all about?
You know, that thing about that stuff.  You know, that stuff.

do you know how old i really am?
Nope, nor do I care.

wait a min.. my boyfriend was wearing my pants... how do you have my pants? and wheres my boyfriend?
In my pants, which is ironic because they actually belong to you.

willl you give my pants back?? its cold and its snowing
Nope

the girl beside me is starting to annoy me. what should i do? she won't stop talking loudly about this stupid poem her stupid-ass boyfriend sent.
Smack her.  Then laugh.  Send her a poem about how stupid she and her boyfriend are.

why is elizabeth so fucking annoying?
she was born that way.  Also, it runs in her family.