Caution: Do not mix with other drugs, food, water or oxygen.
Actual size: 2 ft wide x 1 ft tall
Directions: Take twice a day.
No perscription needed.

Used to cure: depression, sinus problems, acne, yeast infections, erectile difficulties, diaper rash, headaches, anxiety, fertility, infertility, tension, loss of appetite, loss of sex drive, over-eating, toe fungus, ear infections, bug bites, bad sight, nervous twitches, turrets, the urge to kill, thin blood, high cholorestrol, kidney failure, itchy rashes, peeling skin, oily hair, bed wetting, bad hair cuts, poor posture, broken bones, cavities, bad manners, lying, hayfever, allergies, alcoholism, gambling addictions, dog bites, in grown toenails, heroin addictions, paper cuts, runny noses, fat fingers, baldness, bad fashion sense, stupidity, spinal problems, mental disorders, the black plague, syphilis, scurvy, road rage, bad breath, broken nails, heart failure, colic, bladder control problems, insensitivity, fear of the dark, homophobia, fear of heights, bad netiquette, twisted ankles, top-posting, spamming, cancer, soccer riots, HIV/AIDS, mad cow disease, poor taste, cheapness, arthritis, nagging, rudeness, pink eye, facial hair, sore nipples, stinky feet, bee stings, bad photography, lying, bruises, concussions, obesity, lung failure, sore joints, bad dancing, strange bumps, spider bites, the impulse to FWD email, penguin bites, child abuse, kitty litter smell, hallucinations, drunk driving, farting, heartburn, menstrual cramps, fear of goats, bloating, poor sense of direction, sore throats, game addictions, blisters, muscle cramps, ringing in the ears, unibrows, dry skin, ADD, diarrhea, nosiness, color blindness, smoking, lack of imagination, poor math skills, bad taste in music, hypothermia, fevers, vampire bites, bad driving, thinning hair, sun damage, chicken pox, fatigue, senility, STDs, poor hygiene, lateness, bad spelling, gangrene, lock jaw, death, side-effects of other drugs, tension, migraines, spinal injuries, blood clots, uncontrolable giggling, fear of birds, crying, forgetfulness, burns.

Other beneifts:
Is an effective birthcontrol, re-grows limbs/organs, and makes you appear interesting to others.

Possible side effects:
death, uncontrollable screaming, development of severe addiction to this drug, willingness to hand over money for more pills when getting off your ass and exercising would be better, forcing your children to take it so they too can be messed up.