|1. Do whatever the hostage taker wants. Be especially courteous during the first four or five minutes. This is a critical time. Speak only when spoken to. Never wisecrack. Act relaxed. Sit down if allowed. It shows a non-aggressive stance. Do not throw your shit at the hostage taker. Don't turn your back and bend over away from the hostage taker unless ordered to. Try to keep eye contact without staring or drooling. Do not imitate them in a silly voice. Do not prod them with pointy objects. People are less likely to harm someone who is looking at them, or those who get naked and suck them off. If there is a chance to escape, weigh it carefully against your own stupidity. Be patient and have faith in your fellow negotiators.
2. Person(s) reporting the incident should notify switchboard of hostage taking incident and location. Where possible, isolate the web page where the incident is taking place. Report pertinent details such as number and type of hostage-takers and hostages (eg. age, gender, operating system), number of weapons, any specific demands or threats, precise location of website and the visitors controlled by the hostage taker.
3. Negotiations should be handled by trained policemonkeys. If negotiations are started by TheInsaneDomain members before policemonkeys arrive the following guidelines should be followed:
a) Negotiations should include delay tactics such as "I'll ask.", "Not now, I have a headache", "I am nothing but a blob... don't I look fat in this?" or "I'll seek clarification."
b) Meet demands with "I'll do my best." Never say "no you dirty slut."
c) Management personnel should attempt to contact any family member, or friend who may be able to influence the hostage taker.
d) Any decision making should be done by policemonkey negotiators.
e) Do not follow orders given by a hostage taker under conditions of duress, except to save lives, get some sex, or if you are promised candy.
f) Any public statements should be limited to the following guidelines
i) Confirmation of the hostage taking incident along with live photos
ii) Main concern is for member and visitor safety unless the site itself is threatened.
iii) Co-operation with law enforcement officials unless a riot breaks out.